I think it subdues me in a way that isn’t healthy; To internalize the fact that the difference I have made, and the meaning I ascribe in the world through life is pillared in my presence/location: My availability, and desire to take care of my family members. There are even so many ways I fall short in that aspect; But it truly is the biggest difference I have made. Little of it is rooted in my arts, or my accomplishments. It’s not that I want to stop here. It’s not of pride or shame. I feel like I have made such a profound difference in my life here; I’m not sure if anything else I do will ever measure up. When I word it out; It becomes more apparent to me that this doesn’t matter. Holds no baring on possibility.
I was supposed to get together with my producer last night, but he stood me up instead. I was so looking forward to seeing him that I went out and bought a bottle of Rose Regale; My favorite drink. A sparkling red. He gets off work anywhere between midnight and last call; And an hour to get home; So I didn’t really feel the cue to stop waiting up for him until 3.
There is this stupid thing I do whenever I am getting ready to visit either of my producers; I listen and evaluate my song(s) of topic, to determine whether I really want to share this with them yet. No music automatically comes on after this. Sometimes I listen to my song repeatedly. I don’t find this to be effective analysis though, because after hearing it too many times, my imagination glosses over all the flaws, with the bias of knowing my overall intent. So I tell myself not to play it more than once, and in silence I suppress the urge and craving to play it again, imagining their opinion/reaction.
It has been hard for me to determine when to share stuff with them. In drafting and preliminary stages, I am totally open to implementing feedback, trying out suggested changes. The more complete I feel the piece is; I am less open to changing it. So anyways, I ended up sitting on the edge of my seat, holding my breath a little, in complete silence anticipating his call for 3 hours before I even noticed how wound up I was making myself.
My plan to be away from home, was contingent upon this outing. I tried to accomplish the effect of being away, by lurking in the dark, listening to music on my earbuds, not reacting so instantly to every bang and crash she makes.- because the second she sees my face, she asks for a pill. I have to be very careful of how I oblige or deny her with this. Phrasing and intonation is everything. I have to say it like I’m not the one in charge, and my hands are tied somehow. The best. most solid reason is being away from home. Hard to challenge that., I don’t want to blame my friend for the escape part. I could have gone to my grandma or uncle’s down the street. I just didn’t want to deal with my compulsive need to bring too much stuff. I already did all of that getting too much together to see my friend, but almost none of it would be the same stuff I want bring elsewhere.
I was so heartbroken. I’ve been stood up like 7 times in February, It makes me feel very low self esteem. I must not got it like that. This friend has good mojo like a mofo though so right when I started to cry over this, my headache went completely away for hours. I got a few new selfies, which is kind of a big deal to me because I only took like 6 pictures of myself last year, and I don’t want to miss my youthl photo ops. My video diaries are so endearing, and there aren’t enough of them. My only option to get more is to make them now and near. I don’t want the gaps of time to be too obvious.
It was also nice to finally feel upset about something light and trivial for a change. I ended up rushing to see him at noon while he had a speck of time left to spare till 1:30 . I’m pretty sure he kicked me out of his inner circle, told me that he doesn’t have any time in his life for me, and isn’t interested in being my producer anymore. I hope I’m taking this harder than he actually meant. There were a couple of little hints that I am taking it harder than he means it. One was, when I told him how i reached out so many times to Destiny, i must to shut up now, because a surplus of words from me will depreciate the value of each message to her at this point. He told me he didn’t think I should shut up. Also, he had me stay there until the very minute he had to leave. I started to say goodbye a bit prior, and he said stay two more minutes.
He didn’t specifically tell he didn’t want to be my producer. anymore. He said I should finish my songs and not wait or care for his opinions. He could have been telling me that he’s down to produce anything I’m happy with. I wanted to always try his suggestions. He impresses me so much, and I would learn a lot. We have been friends for about 13 years. So, this would extend slightly beyond trivial if he really did just kick me out of his life. Still a lot lighter of an issue to be upset about than all the cancer stuff..
My neighbor died on Friday. I saw the fire engine and ambulance take him away 15 days ago. I’ve known him since I was 5 years old. He was socially distant so it didn’t feel intense like losing a family member, even though I saw him more often than I used to see my uncle who died in December. My neighbor was elderly though, like in his 80’s, so losing him is less tragic, and more expectable than losing my uncle at 64 on the operation table.

Introduce Me to Now

I have been tracking myself to a whole  new depth. Noticing my own habits. Pronouncing them. I realie this would be the most opportune way to truly opperate life planning. I hope I can still find second day Sarah on the first day when there are less second days to be had.

I’m going to evaluate each day; isolated from what i have done before. Impose no limits, based on my usual habit. I will not do what I always do, because; i always do it. I will do what i want to do; because, I want to do it.

I.e; if i am not having a great day, headache, feeling blue, unproductive. I may do best to take a rest and find a new attitude tomorrow .
Even though i usually stay awake. Though i free my mind at night.

I have had this same headache for a month and a half, and it’s not functional for me to be awake and dazed all night and day anymore. It used to be. It really is what worked for me; but I’ve changed. -And i must cater to the person I am now.

"I can't complain"

Yesterday at the checkout, the two clerks asked how I was; I chirped out good 'ol auto response, then he says, "I can't complain". I looked at him with a smile through the side of my eyes, and said; "I dunno, I think a lot of good humor can be rooted in complaining". It was all the ammo I had at the time. 

Now with further time to ponder on this concept, I am thankful for my mom's complaining. It keeps me in the loop, and more able to accommodate if she lets me know what's wrong. Nonetheless.. He goes on and on about how so many people wish they were me right now, and all this. -And how he feels foolish when finds himself complaining to people who have it worse than him.- His friend, a woman who lost her son to cancer. That is sad. My heart wanted to tell him that I appreciate it when people complain to me, (I have a different name for it; I call it, "confide in me".) when am the one who has it worse;- I get nostalgic for thinking about that type of $#!+. Honestly, I do think I prefer my limbic system to be hot. Not sure why exactly, but it's when the zest can be detected best. Reading through my "tumultuous", 2013. Wanting to throw up a little bit because I can't even write like that now. I couldn't fathom diving into this so deep. I wouldn't come back ever, so instead; My brain fogs itself, as a way of finally not thinking about ... Ruminating on. Come on, let me solve your $#!+, I got this fix- it's all Trix to me, Like for kids.

I was proud of myself for not spilling out my story when the second check clerk guy parroted pretty much what the first one said about complaining, and I also repeated myself. He shook his head at me and said, "Thats not good". How is it not good to use humor as a diffuser? Certainly, he must not percept my meaning. Demeaning. あ well, I'm not the type to complain just for the sake of wallowing.- Unless it's handled with brevity; I like to tunnel it to humor, solutions, maps, understanding. When I realize it won't reach out of the darkness in some areas (like cancer), I try to abandon my cognizance of it.

Sampler platter of Rainbows

Suck in Private//! am that

My head inside has become a zoo of pandemonium. It is difficult for me to discern what I am even thinking about. I need to establish some form of order in here before I lose myself. I feel foggy. My memories are distant. My energy is low. I want my stamina back! ugh. I know this isn't just a part of getting older;- This is depression kicking my ass, and I don't want to just take it and feel helpless.  I have been fighting, and I can't measure avails. 

I cut my hair last week. It is still visibly fraying at the ends. Obviously, needing more of a trim. It was so hard for me to even do it though! I'm glad I made a move. It wasn't as bad as the dreading made it out to be. I wonder if I will stop feeling so disgusted by hair in general if I got my own head of it in order. It doesn't behave right when it's full of split ends. It static clings to my face sometimes, inserting itself violatingly into my orifices. It's not cool. The only reason I don't shave it off is because that would bring on a whole different set of issues I'm even less comfortable with. We know this- it's a regression obsession by this point; Enough already, Me. 

Been wondering if I should take a break from music for a minute; Don't know if I'll even be able to stop if I demanded myself to. I feel kind of burned out and discouraged by the feedback.- Suggested changes are so drastic; Every project would need to be completely recomposed from scratch, essentially. As if what I have is absolutely nothing at this point.  What I was expecting of feedback, were suggestions of how to improve/enhance what I already have. I seriously just was not prepared for people to not like anything the way it is.- And by this, I don't mean that I expected them to say it was flawless, by any means. Just that the suggested addendum(s) would allow my project to be edited, instead of eradicated and entirely recreated. — With that I think to myself, if it needs that big of a change, I might as well start fresh on something new. It's less complicated to boot. — That's so hard to swallow whole. I believe in myself, and I want to be able to understand and consider negative input without being obliterated by it.

I have been struggling with when to share my work and ask for feedback. At first I thought I should wait until I felt I couldn't make it any better than I have. Second thought was that I should share it as soon as the draft properly alludes the concept.- Thus, keeping me more open to changes because I plan to rerecord it regardless, from that point. Now I wonder if I should ever share it with anyone at all. Maybe I should just do this for myself and keep it completely secret, because I need a fan, and I am that. Because I'm in dire need of ease, which usually comes to me through diaries. Diaries are private. So should the Dire Ease be. I don't like the rapport that asking for feedback is building with my friends. When i just want a regular friend response, I get completely ripped apart by the judging of something that was not up for that type of discussing. This is starting to look like maybe I should join a peer group for the sole purpose of music feedback, and keep that separate from my friendships. I still want my friends to be open with me- I do. I just want to still feel open too- and I don't.


Clearing Mental Space

Trying to get my creative juices flowing. I know one sure fire way is to just journal. It is so difficult for me to do at times though. My mind is honestly full of some dense heavy shit, that does not get lighter to sift.
My mom just asked me if I would really be willing to change her diapers if and when it got to that; Because one of the people she’s seeing next week, is a surgeon for her hernias. It would actually be a better case scenario for them to elect to do any type of surgery, because the hernias are something that is causing her a lot of suffering. She will be very reluctant herself, which I feel confident about, that she isn’t going to dive into just any blind circumstance. Still; there is a high level of unknowability.
I told her that I would be willing to change her diapers given that she was still mentally present. That’s even hard for me to discern, knowing of a true story where a man was fully mentally present, but stuck inside himself in such a way that he could not let others know he was there, for a full 10 years, and then came back to full function.- Though if I personally were in that situation, I might prefer to be excused. And also, if she were in that situation, she would not be able to let us know if she was in any pain. The pain itself takes her away from conscious presence.
Right now, her pain is more than I would want to accept as, "the new normal". She still wants to fight for her life, but it’s more because of being daunted by the idea of giving up, than of truly wanting to continue. The actual breakdown of events is such that I still believe it’s possible for her to have more better days.
Blue Jam Tunes

Wild Man

My uncle Steve died the other day. It was a shock to us, he did not want us to know he was sick unless something happen. He was my godfather, and his wedding anniversary is on my birthday. The last time I saw him was on Easter. He put air in my bicycle tires for me, despite all that he already had to do with packing up their car to leave. I can barely register that he’s gone, because he’s not usually around. I think it will hit me when I see his family without him.
All this has had my mom pretty upset. She still hasn’t had another good day since that one I wrote about in my last update. She also broke it to me that she doesn’t plan to do treatment for the next cancer recurrence, so the hope is magnified for this remission to actually last awhile. We have 10 months in our minds because that’s the longest remission she’s had, and that was achieved with one of the same drugs as she was treated with this time around. I’m so afraid. At least it’s actually up in the air this time, instead of already smashed on the ground, (my hope). She had so much fight in her this time…. And she has always said before, that she would continue fighting the cancer until the treatment stopped working, so it came as a shock to hear that. Breath of relief though, her blood test results are in, and her CA125 is at 7.
I’m still so very nervous. The study drug has already been proven to “synergize” the taxol, and reverse immunity that the cancer has built towards it. This is already known to be true. In which case, it is all contingent upon TAS119 VS Carboplatin. She is now platinum resistant, so carboplatin won’t do anything for her anymore, but there is a certain order in which the drugs are classified. Most effective, most abrasive… I worry that this was the wrong decision in that it was so abrasive that it wore her out more than a less potentially effective treatment would have. It’s really hard to calculate quantity of life saved, and what fraction of that the quality is sacrificed. I mean, the Gemzar was supposed to be a more tolerable treatment, but that seemed just as hard on her, if not moreso, than this. Constant diarrhea is difficult, no doubt, but marginally less so than not being able to keep a single bite down from the other end. We were constantly visiting the ER while she was on Gem.
Crystal Dancer orb

This New Hope

There is this new set of possibilities that are tangible to us now; That haven't been in a long while, and it's really difficult for me to allow myself to grasp them, for fear they are too good to be true.
Everyone believes we'll have a disney ending, and that everything will be okay, I can't help but roll my eyes. So cliché.
My heart is so squeezed over this, I can barely stand to look at it head on; It has been stifling my entire flow, which is also something I've come to resent; Because its like, why can't I just accept these gifts and have my hopes reinstilled? We've been groomed to expect the cancer to come back, but still I am thankful that it is barely visible, and that it is still only one tiny spot. -Too small to even radiate,even now that they've come out with this new ability to micro radiate.
Et Bleu

Melodic Silence

In the past I was very familiar with the concept of having to break open the center of my pain in order to discover beauty and creativity. It has been more difficult for me to do this now, because it isn’t always the case. I’ve found that certain types of frustration yield further and deeper frustration to delve into. I’m not sure what type of thing this is…
The other day, my mom felt good again for the first time in years.;that her mind was clear. She was so excited to ponder on all these different random things. We both felt a delayed reaction of sadness for how far gone she had been for so long. We both missed her so much. I was forcing my mind and heart to get used to the idea of her being gone, and to not expect her to come back. Perhaps for my preservation reflex; I felt like pushing her away. I resisted doing so, but told her about it when she asked how I was feeling. Later that night, she said she felt herself fading away again. She realized this was a dissociation from the pain in her body. I don’t know how many moments of clarity she will get. I didn’t realize it would be so brief. I hope she can stay for longer. I pray that these moments become the rule rather than the exception.
He said, "Anyone can do anything", and I let him go on believing that; Because, I felt that his boundless sense of hope would behoove him more than the truth.
As far as for me; I feel better about seeing myself with certain limitations; Otherwise, I would be disappointing myself with each passing moment that I have not yet accomplished more.

Check this out Right Now
Flying in the Face of Logic


A person of my age needs to have one skill they dominate at. While I've been switching gears into music, I've been trying to get used to the feeling of being a beginner. Of having people ten years younger than me, be more advanced in this thing than I am. I think that during this time, it's important for me to keep writing, and blogging. Obviously, because I need to write my songs, but also just to keep myself aware that I'm good at something. I know I can sing, but I'm learning stuff about recording and editing. I've already known that when one tries to write their own song, there is no path tracked out, and it's a little bit more difficult to find the notes out. I didn't realize a whole bunch of my lines came out off key. I beat myself up over that maybe a little too much. I just need to get past it and redo it. I don't want to edit it so much that it doesn't sound like my voice anymore.
And so.. it turns out I was all worried about this kid's opinion of me, and I decided that he didn't think I was serious enough about music just because he hadn't replied to a song I sent him... Snooping on his FaceBook, I see that he has a girlfriend; and that's why. He probably saw my request to selfie trade as flirting. So pretty much it really did have nothing to do with me. Only this time, my song I sent him sucked even though it was a more serious attempt, and he offered to make an instrumental for me behind it. Too good to be true, right? Yep. I mean, it was a beyond generous offer. It was more work than I would willingly ask someone to take on. I just accepted the offer, blind with excitement. I guess it still wasn't fair of me to put him in that predicament. I wouldn't actually want to distract him from making his own magic- and it is magic. He's fucking good. I'm embarrassed. I'm mad at myself for not hearing it. I think I attempted to do the sweet sour key thing, but then accidentally got stuck in the sour key. I'd like to believe that over what he suggested- that my vibrato takes me off key. I mean, maybe that did happen in this song, but, I hope thats not what always happens. I thought could sing better than this.
He wasn't even really that mean to me, but what he said really bothered me. He said he wasn't able to complete the instrumental because my song was outside of his genre, which I knew already. I told him I wouldn't mind him switching it to his genre, and he said it wouldn't make a good song. It just completely defeated me. Then, when I asked one of my best friends, and a producer, if he was still willing to help me, I found out that he's willing to help, but didn't realize he was a part of my project yet. Honestly, he inspired me to do the project, and I wouldn't have ever bitten off this big if I didn't think I had him on this.
In my early 20's, I was actually pretty proficient at making instrumentals on a certain app. I've been trying to get myself back into that groove, and it has been so difficult. I want to say, even more difficult than it was starting off. I feel like this has more to do with my self esteem, and perceived skill, than actual capabilities.
My heart kind of aches even though I've gotten such good news about my mom. Right now, there is still cancer, so it isn't technically a remission, but it is too small to see on a scan, or target for radiation treatment. Also, if it does grow, she is a candidate, and willing to do a radiation trial. It's not as trial-ish as the other trial, because what they're doing is still standard of care. I really hope that if it does have to grow, it stays one tumor, and does not metastasize again . This time around, it has stayed put, so my hope is still plausible.
Kuromi Cherry


Since my last post, I have made a lot of headway, written and recorded a couple of songs, made some flyers. I hit another wall again. I'm amazed how easily it is for me to become emotionally constipated but it makes sense because of certain things I know I'm suppressing. I'm hoping that hashing some of those things that are okay to pick apart on here will help me clear that road block again. It's kind of hard to edit the music files when they get close to finished because I keep having, "system overload", error.
[October 24]
I woke up in the middle of the night and randomly thought of something I feel great guilt over. Analyzing how terrible it was, what I did; And how it must have felt; And what the fuck I was actually thinking- how stupid I was. I know I am forgiven by God, but I am not as easily forgiven by myself. I can’t get over it. God I am soo sorry, I wish I could take it back. I don’t think I fully realized what I was doing, but on some level I did. maybe that level is now, and I’m mixing it up I am a monster. I have to allow myself to think about it sometimes when it comes up, otherwise it will intrude and dominate my mind. I am so disgusted by myself and what I did. I know I have killed that part of myself, which is how I now cannot fathom my actions. The only thing I can say to possibly get past this, is that I am truly and deeply remorseful; And, I have a very long life to live. If I’m going to be someone better, I can’t dwell on this and tear myself apart. I know that I will never do anything like that again, and I have to take solace in that truth.