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my heart will never be the same.

Should I give him this letter?

I am going to begin this letter the way I begin all of my letters to you when you first go to jail. I have heard some things about you, that I desperately wish weren’t true. But for the sake of our friendship. I will come to the source, expecting nothing less than the truth. You know I can handle it much better than any lie you could conjure.
Siobhan said that she didn’t hear it from listening two way on the phone, about Christal. She said you got off the phone laughing and told her. Why would you do something like that? You specifically asked me if you could tell, and I said No. She and Sean also said that they found out about Arrow from you. You told me you kept that secret. They say you tell them everything I tell you, Not only that, but they seem to miraculously know. What did I do to you, for you to want to treat me this way?
Also, I have been getting a lot of messages on my phone from people asking for you. I changed my machine back to my voice. This is something that I don’t have to ask about, because I have proof. The question I have, is what possessed you to think that it was okay for you to give my number out to anyone, after I specifically asked you not to, after I worried about it, asked you every day about it in case circumstances came up like the ones you gave it to Siobhan under. Why would you walk all over me, and take my kindness for weakness, why would you do the one thing I begged you not to do? Why would you want to hurt me this way? I thought you loved me. You say you do. But the way you seem to be treating me tells me different.
If all this is true, how much have you done to me in the past? Why did you want to become my friend? I should have known that it was too good to be true to have such a cool person want to be my friend, love me, and treat me as his equal. I shouldn’t have been so stupid to think that it was because you liked me for who I was. I have the right to be angry with you. I don’t have any answers in front of me and it leaves my mind to wander. What if it is true? I best find out now, so that I can better protect myself from you. Know not to let my guard down and my heart out to you or anyone. And believe me, Never again will I be as trusting as I was with you, weather it is true or not. I learned the perfect way to get my heart broken.

The funny thing is, that no matter what, I still care about you. Like a fool, I love you, forgive you with no wisdom acquired. I worry about your future to come. I pray that you don’t get two years in prison. I hear the rocky mountain prison has concrete beds. So if you stay there, be really careful. I think that it’s cruel and unusual punishment, tax on your body and bones.

Now I can’t stop crying. It’s funny how I feel for you… Go ahead and cut me out of your life, you seem to have no problems hurting me any other ways. And weather this letter is true or not, it pissed you off somehow enough to justify yelling at me and possibly disliking me from now on. I don’t care. I shouldn’t have to be afraid to express my feelings, weather doubtful or not, to my best friend. I shouldn’t have to worry about weather my best friend is fucking me over behind my back or not.

Somehow you will find a way to believe that everything you’ve ever done for me is way more and better than all I’ve done for you. You’re the person that says you don’t count, yet I have no way of knowing or keeping track or even caring. And because “you’ve done more for me” you feel justified rubbing my nose in the dirt for every future favor I do for you, walking all over me, and expecting more. You need to learn how to treat people. How to treat me. But it doesn’t matter. Sometime in the future, I will either be apologizing to you, or cursing myself for writing this letter because it pushed you away. Instead of apologizing. You’ll either cut me out of your life, or find some way to explain.

Weather the things I asked you about in the first part of the letter are true or not, there are so many other reasons I can justify writing this letter to you.

I love you more than anything I could ever explain, and because of this, you hurt me more than anyone or anyone could. Because you have my heart in the open, naked, pure, raw…

Don’t hurt me again.
Don’t leave me.

Love forever. Sarah Alyse Kramer


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 17th, 2005 10:24 pm (UTC)

wow thats really deep nd sad im sorry he treated u that way you dont deserve to be treated like that. .

Apr. 17th, 2005 10:31 pm (UTC)
Yes. Give him the letter. You have to let him know what he has done to you and let him know how you feel.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )


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