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I was wrong about Matt voss. He isn't a shallow fucker. I'm so confused. I don't see why he can be nice to me, or how. I'm not a great person. I'm kind of a prick actually. I am not the model type chick. I am overweight. Actually obese if you consider my height and weight, and the weight for my height. I don't get it. WHAT DOES HE WANT WITH ME? WHY?

a theory i came up with is:

It wouldn't take much for me to go up to this guy chris. He has very low confidence and it leaks through the cracks of his demeanor. as it does for me i believe. It wouldn't take anything courage-wise for me to walk up to him and call him hot and sexy and handsome and wonderful. instead i stick to the complements that are accepted in friendship. I could boost his confidence and his morale and it would make me feel so good knowing that i contributed to that smile on his face that he would have walking in the door every day thinking that he is really something great. which i believe he is. Although i don't think he's hot or sexy in the type of way that i'm interested in dating.

Maybe he is feeling the same for me. he thinks i need a little confidence boosting, and i am a relatively safe target because i'm almost a lesbian and the chances of me turning around and trying to get with him are really slim, because he has a kid and a baby's mama. which is true. I will respect his boundaries that are created by life situations....

the problem with this theory is that he found out! he found out i like him! I don't know how. christal was there when he said something about it. he said "i know she likes me because i'm the only guy she talks to" (which i worked very hard to make that statement FALSE after it was said) and even though he said that and figured it out...he still calls me beautiful. he still lights up and winks and smiles. it makes me want to smile my biggest smile and blush, while crying at the same time. it makes me want to stomp my foot and throw a tantrum while jumping up and down and dancing for glee. I'm so confused i just don't understand why he would pay any mind to a girl like me. that's where the anger comes in.

don't comment and say something like i'm a truly good person or whatever... i don't want to hear it. i feel how i feel about him!


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 10th, 2005 09:09 pm (UTC)
I'm glad that Matt isn't a 'shallow fucker' anymore. That's good.
(Deleted comment)
Apr. 11th, 2005 11:12 pm (UTC)
i don't know how he feels about me. so i can't be mad
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )


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