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it all started out as a trick. on myself. u know, ur going through something and u think that nothing could be worse, so u pull out the sharpest thing u can find in the house and u do it kinda like that saying "ill give u something to cry about" and u look at the blood pouring out of urself and u sorta think "well, i guess it could be a lot worse" so u do it again and again continually asking "worse than this? worse than this?" and you finally stop when the answer is "no...not worse than this" and u fall asleep. And when u wake up, they arent bleeding anymore. they kind of sting now. sort of like how when someone dies, it takes awhile to hit u, because its so unreal. and u look and u see that they are healing. they that u moments ago thought couldnt be any worse, are now disapearing and healing. and u sort of think to urself "if i can take this, i can take anything. I have the power to hurt myself the worst and no matter how much something or someone else hurts me, i know that i can always do more damage than them, and that i can be the one to filter it myself, and im strong, look at this, im strong. its sad thats what i need to prove it, but here it is now stinging and u say....if this shit on u can heal, so can anything...and u do it more and more cuz u can survive it all. and when the scars start to fade.. U freak out cuz they are ur battle scars, u have to do it again now cuz ur losing ur proof of strength....So this time u grab a knife or blade and the nearest acid or base near u....it has to be something strong, like lemon juice or soap or perfume or bleach or ammonia or nail polish remover...and u cut and u cut and u ask urself again "could it be worse" and u think "yes" so u dump whatever u have on ur skin and watch it burn before ur eyes....u live through ur eyes now because living through ur arms and ur feelings is unbearable and u ask again "could it be worse?" and as u realize that it burned ur clean un-cut skin, u think "yes" and u start attacking urself again with the sharp thing.... until u look around at the mess u made and realize that no person in their right mind would do this. and ur okay to accept that ur not in ur right mind, but ur only in ur bedroom and someone could walk in on u. so u hurry and clean it up. but the blood wont stop and theres nothing. So u get angry and run into the bathroom and grab a brush and scrub...and scrub till u think the blood stops. but it hasn't. now its bleeding more and gettng thinner. So u look at urself in the mirror and think "stupid wench" and u reach for a red bandana or something savage like an old white t-shirt u dont weaer anymore and wrap it around ur arm....and go back to whatever it was u were doing...or thats when u find urself back where u were and u sleep...


Jun. 9th, 2004 07:19 pm (UTC)
I did it because I thought I was dead. I was so sure of it, I just waneted to know..I just wanted proof...I just wanted the blood...
but I stopped. You should too. Bad, Sarah, bad, bad!
love you though
be safe, okay? inside yourself, be safe


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