Suck in Private//! am that

My head inside has become a zoo of pandemonium. It is difficult for me to discern what I am even thinking about. I need to establish some form of order in here before I lose myself. I feel foggy. My memories are distant. My energy is low. I want my stamina back! ugh. I know this isn't just a part of getting older;- This is depression kicking my ass, and I don't want to just take it and feel helpless.  I have been fighting, and I can't measure avails. 

I cut my hair last week. It is still visibly fraying at the ends. Obviously, needing more of a trim. It was so hard for me to even do it though! I'm glad I made a move. It wasn't as bad as the dreading made it out to be. I wonder if I will stop feeling so disgusted by hair in general if I got my own head of it in order. It doesn't behave right when it's full of split ends. It static clings to my face sometimes, inserting itself violatingly into my orifices. It's not cool. The only reason I don't shave it off is because that would bring on a whole different set of issues I'm even less comfortable with. We know this- it's a regression obsession by this point; Enough already, Me. 

Been wondering if I should take a break from music for a minute; Don't know if I'll even be able to stop if I demanded myself to. I feel kind of burned out and discouraged by the feedback.- Suggested changes are so drastic; Every project would need to be completely recomposed from scratch, essentially. As if what I have is absolutely nothing at this point.  What I was expecting of feedback, were suggestions of how to improve/enhance what I already have. I seriously just was not prepared for people to not like anything the way it is.- And by this, I don't mean that I expected them to say it was flawless, by any means. Just that the suggested addendum(s) would allow my project to be edited, instead of eradicated and entirely recreated. — With that I think to myself, if it needs that big of a change, I might as well start fresh on something new. It's less complicated to boot. — That's so hard to swallow whole. I believe in myself, and I want to be able to understand and consider negative input without being obliterated by it.

I have been struggling with when to share my work and ask for feedback. At first I thought I should wait until I felt I couldn't make it any better than I have. Second thought was that I should share it as soon as the draft properly alludes the concept.- Thus, keeping me more open to changes because I plan to rerecord it regardless, from that point. Now I wonder if I should ever share it with anyone at all. Maybe I should just do this for myself and keep it completely secret, because I need a fan, and I am that. Because I'm in dire need of ease, which usually comes to me through diaries. Diaries are private. So should the Dire Ease be. I don't like the rapport that asking for feedback is building with my friends. When i just want a regular friend response, I get completely ripped apart by the judging of something that was not up for that type of discussing. This is starting to look like maybe I should join a peer group for the sole purpose of music feedback, and keep that separate from my friendships. I still want my friends to be open with me- I do. I just want to still feel open too- and I don't.


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