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Clearing Mental Space

Trying to get my creative juices flowing. I know one sure fire way is to just journal. It is so difficult for me to do at times though. My mind is honestly full of some dense heavy shit, that does not get lighter to sift.
My mom just asked me if I would really be willing to change her diapers if and when it got to that; Because one of the people she’s seeing next week, is a surgeon for her hernias. It would actually be a better case scenario for them to elect to do any type of surgery, because the hernias are something that is causing her a lot of suffering. She will be very reluctant herself, which I feel confident about, that she isn’t going to dive into just any blind circumstance. Still; there is a high level of unknowability.
I told her that I would be willing to change her diapers given that she was still mentally present. That’s even hard for me to discern, knowing of a true story where a man was fully mentally present, but stuck inside himself in such a way that he could not let others know he was there, for a full 10 years, and then came back to full function.- Though if I personally were in that situation, I might prefer to be excused. And also, if she were in that situation, she would not be able to let us know if she was in any pain. The pain itself takes her away from conscious presence.
Right now, her pain is more than I would want to accept as, "the new normal". She still wants to fight for her life, but it’s more because of being daunted by the idea of giving up, than of truly wanting to continue. The actual breakdown of events is such that I still believe it’s possible for her to have more better days.


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