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Alto Zone

My family is already so small, and Steve was 64. My aunt Peg is 63 and she has told me that she plans to live for another 30 years, and just the fact that she and Steve were so close in age, makes me feel less confident in her statement. I know we can’t possibly know these things, but it’s a very comforting thing for her to even think.
Steve and Cathy just adopted a child 2 years ago and now that poor little guy lost another parent. His mom died. -Was actually the ex girlfriend of my uncle’s step son.. Still somehow looked just like him
My mom kind of changed her tune about this cancer treatment process after Steve died too. She used to say that she would take chemo until chemo wouldn’t work on her anymore. I guess that criteria is more relative than I realized/ She was saying if this remission isn’t long enough- we have this number in our heads 10 months, because it was her first and longest remission… If the remission is short, it’s not worth her while to fight it anymore and asks for my compassion to accept this
there is still this chance, and I don’t know how big the damn slice of pie is….that the remission will last at least 10 months. I did a lot of research on these drugs…. The reason they have to switch drugs is because the cancer develops immunity to them. Studies have finally shown what I fucking told them 2 years ago- The drugs are more effective when you alternate them more instead of using the same one constantly.. They kind of already knew that, but they were weighing its significance between being the most impactful drug on the market, thus in the cycles of abstention, would the less effective drug shave off more time than the alternation would add? ughh. Also, when cancer returns after treatment, and is expected to keep returning, they consider remission not the main goal anymore; Second line treatments are supposed to be milder- easier to tolerate and less of a depletion in quality of life, though these milder drugs will not keep the cancer away for as long as the more abrasive treatments would… . It’s a math problem. It’s kind of simple for algebra sake, but soo complicated for life. Anywho, in this clinical trial, she took one of the first line drugs, taxol, along with the study drug which is already known to negate the cancer’s immunity to taxol- so it’s now more a queston of whether the study drug is as effective as the drug they gave her with the taxol the first time…

Also, recently i’ve gone through this phase where it seems like i’m pushing everyone away..? But i mostly did not intend it. I’m re-trippin over the Jheap dude fading out of my life cold- without telling me whyy.
He ssked me for a picture of my butt and i sent one, and also a pornographic spanking image and i said, if I’m going to show you my butt, i want you to imagine doing this to it. My best guess with him is that he just couldn’t get down with those interests, and we have known each other now for ... holy shit 10 years. So he does know i won’t be satisfied in my life with a lover who is not willing to partake in my kind of play..

The reason I’m re-trippin is because Crostaire faded out the same way... known him for 9 years. i’m pretty sure i’m not overly intense because more people are into it than not.

Within this same time frame, i had discord with both Butter and Deep at the same time. I just staryed talking to Deep yesterday. Butter and i tried to reconcile last weekend, but at the end of our visit, we had another fight
I alsp pushed Angel and Nile away by reacting so emotionally to their critique of my song, which; i would rather their honesty than kid gloves. Angel and Nile both pushed their way back in by initiating a different conversation .... which i do appreciate . I don’t know if it’s me being more volatile -reactive than usual? I don’t feel any different, i just notice that i am the only common denominator in this string of similar situations.
My mom says I’m a self examiner, and that so many other people never take one look at themselves
I’d rather know. With this music project, I’ve learned one crucial thing about myself in life. It really turns me upsidedown when other people are harder on me than I am on myself, and the best way to prevent that is to make sure I’m aware of the flaws and shortcommings on myself, so someone else doesn’t have a chance to shock me with a truth hurts.

So ever since his birthday, SirTenor and i have been hanging out ptetty regularly every week or 2, sometimes 3, but 3 has been the longest. Last time i saw him was on your bday. We had sex, and it was different from the other times because I asked him for it a week in advance, which is usually something im strictly against, because i don’t want to make the plans when im all horny and then not want to do it when that time comes .... it wasnt like that but it got awkward just because his room is so dark we kept losing things like lube and condoms. I tried a lambskin condom for the first time... and also a 69. The lambskin slipped off early but it didn’t friction burn my insides the way all other condoms do. And he didn’t want to use another because he felt weird about them being so expensive.... anyway, now obviously its been more than 3 weeks. He told me he got a promotion at his job, and now has to open some of the same mornings he had to close, and he’s planning a big show for 12.23 with a whole new set and everything... which all seems very legit and great for him....we were supposed to hang out yesterday and he didn’t even cancel on me, he stood me up. I don’t know the circumstances but I know FaceBook messenger said he was active after the time i sent the message. I think the read receipts make me a little neurotic with anyone, but the sex thing, especially without a condom, makes me ache more than if i just missed him as a friend. The time i did it with him before that, i kinda low key planned it, and it was also both on days where it was the second day in a row that i saw him,.. which is what i think my prerequisite will be for doing it again but i am having so much trouble keeping my mind off of him, and i haven’t legitimately stopped pulling, which means he’s going to keep pushing 👎🏽😟
I kinda wonder if he did that on purpose to make a point that he doesn’t care as deeply for me? Honestly I’m not falling in love, but i am becoming attached. The whole premise for our first time doing it was how the onlu reason i ever think of suicide is bc i feel like i will be alone in the world witout any family. We were cuddling in his bed and when i said this, he wrapped his arms around me and started kissing my neck and back... and i made a stupid joke afterwards that my suicidal ideation really got him going, and he said it was to pronounce the deeper connection he wanted me to feel and know was there
Also he did say, “possibly Tuesday”, which i realize is not a definite, but i did think would come with a secondary confirmation or cancellation and not just cold silence
And there was this moment later on after that time, I was at his house to record for his song he wrote and I was panicking because he’s kind of intimidating with how impressive he is to me with the music, and I was trying so hard not to feel that way…. I think I had a better perspective of what this was supposed to be, before he held me then, and talked about how having sex is the closest you can get to another person, and how come I can be so nervous when we’ve already established such closeness… It was such a …. I had a more untied idea of it, and I think that idea would have suited this particular moment more. I feel like I’m making a big deal out of something that could have potentially been nothing, but it has been bugging me for awhile, so tellin you all this crap was easier than sitting on it anymore.

All Night


( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
Dec. 21st, 2017 06:27 pm (UTC)
Tacos are cool
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )


Kismet Witstatic

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