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March 10th, 2018

Boot

I think it subdues me in a way that isn’t healthy; To internalize the fact that the difference I have made, and the meaning I ascribe in the world through life is pillared in my presence/location: My availability, and desire to take care of my family members. There are even so many ways I fall short in that aspect; But it truly is the biggest difference I have made. Little of it is rooted in my arts, or my accomplishments. It’s not that I want to stop here. It’s not of pride or shame. I feel like I have made such a profound difference in my life here; I’m not sure if anything else I do will ever measure up. When I word it out; It becomes more apparent to me that this doesn’t matter. Holds no baring on possibility.
I was supposed to get together with my producer last night, but he stood me up instead. I was so looking forward to seeing him that I went out and bought a bottle of Rose Regale; My favorite drink. A sparkling red. He gets off work anywhere between midnight and last call; And an hour to get home; So I didn’t really feel the cue to stop waiting up for him until 3.
There is this stupid thing I do whenever I am getting ready to visit either of my producers; I listen and evaluate my song(s) of topic, to determine whether I really want to share this with them yet. No music automatically comes on after this. Sometimes I listen to my song repeatedly. I don’t find this to be effective analysis though, because after hearing it too many times, my imagination glosses over all the flaws, with the bias of knowing my overall intent. So I tell myself not to play it more than once, and in silence I suppress the urge and craving to play it again, imagining their opinion/reaction.
It has been hard for me to determine when to share stuff with them. In drafting and preliminary stages, I am totally open to implementing feedback, trying out suggested changes. The more complete I feel the piece is; I am less open to changing it. So anyways, I ended up sitting on the edge of my seat, holding my breath a little, in complete silence anticipating his call for 3 hours before I even noticed how wound up I was making myself.
My plan to be away from home, was contingent upon this outing. I tried to accomplish the effect of being away, by lurking in the dark, listening to music on my earbuds, not reacting so instantly to every bang and crash she makes.- because the second she sees my face, she asks for a pill. I have to be very careful of how I oblige or deny her with this. Phrasing and intonation is everything. I have to say it like I’m not the one in charge, and my hands are tied somehow. The best. most solid reason is being away from home. Hard to challenge that., I don’t want to blame my friend for the escape part. I could have gone to my grandma or uncle’s down the street. I just didn’t want to deal with my compulsive need to bring too much stuff. I already did all of that getting too much together to see my friend, but almost none of it would be the same stuff I want bring elsewhere.
I was so heartbroken. I’ve been stood up like 7 times in February, It makes me feel very low self esteem. I must not got it like that. This friend has good mojo like a mofo though so right when I started to cry over this, my headache went completely away for hours. I got a few new selfies, which is kind of a big deal to me because I only took like 6 pictures of myself last year, and I don’t want to miss my youthl photo ops. My video diaries are so endearing, and there aren’t enough of them. My only option to get more is to make them now and near. I don’t want the gaps of time to be too obvious.
It was also nice to finally feel upset about something light and trivial for a change. I ended up rushing to see him at noon while he had a speck of time left to spare till 1:30 . I’m pretty sure he kicked me out of his inner circle, told me that he doesn’t have any time in his life for me, and isn’t interested in being my producer anymore. I hope I’m taking this harder than he actually meant. There were a couple of little hints that I am taking it harder than he means it. One was, when I told him how i reached out so many times to Destiny, i must to shut up now, because a surplus of words from me will depreciate the value of each message to her at this point. He told me he didn’t think I should shut up. Also, he had me stay there until the very minute he had to leave. I started to say goodbye a bit prior, and he said stay two more minutes.
He didn’t specifically tell he didn’t want to be my producer. anymore. He said I should finish my songs and not wait or care for his opinions. He could have been telling me that he’s down to produce anything I’m happy with. I wanted to always try his suggestions. He impresses me so much, and I would learn a lot. We have been friends for about 13 years. So, this would extend slightly beyond trivial if he really did just kick me out of his life. Still a lot lighter of an issue to be upset about than all the cancer stuff..
My neighbor died on Friday. I saw the fire engine and ambulance take him away 15 days ago. I’ve known him since I was 5 years old. He was socially distant so it didn’t feel intense like losing a family member, even though I saw him more often than I used to see my uncle who died in December. My neighbor was elderly though, like in his 80’s, so losing him is less tragic, and more expectable than losing my uncle at 64 on the operation table.

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