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Crap Shades

I guess you’re right that I didn’t really stop hoping
But I pondered very deeply on the concept;
Where is the line between hope and expectation?
"Gravity never lets me down gently”, still I crash upon the surface, meaning to land in a bed of clouds; always meeting ruthless concrete. I am a stubborn fool with perfect faith.

Where is the line between faith and ignorance?
Between giving up, and acceptance?
Between belief and denial?

I need you to be content with my madness even when you can’t discern my method.- Wish you could admire the beauty of our contrast, instead of saying you wouldn’t do something the way I just did it, *insert reason*. Perhaps it was your intent to notice and highlight these differences. I begrudgingly admit that I do have the “delusional”, part of depression, though I wouldn’t choose to call it that.- Meaning, I take neutral things, and sometimes even positive things; in the most downsizing, pessimistic, offensive ways. I don’t even realize I’m doing it until I’m analyzing things in retrospect. I would not call this delusional, because there are grains of logic and reality in the conception. It’s not lie hallucinating, it’s like wearnig crap shades (a twist on rose colored glasses).

I will try to find a way to notice earlier, or a way to let you know when I’m drowning in a notion without bringing discord.. I wouldn’t want you to stop feeling able to tell me everything, but in addition to that, I have some specific requests: When you’re mentioning that you wouldn’t approach something the way I chose to, I would like, (if its true), for you to add in something you appreciate about whatsoever dissimilarity in mention- Of texture,pungent flavor, and variety….When I don’t understand your intent behind the neutral sounding questions and statements you make, (neutral as in neither good or bad), I have the tendency to take it negatively. I’m not saying it’s just another thing you have to put up with for the rest of knowing me; The first step in solving a problem is acknowledging it;-Which is my overall underlying intent with this amble.

I’m not exactly sure what it is about your type of questioning that makes me read it as condescending instead of curiosity. It makes me feel better that I read that lovers have extra difficulty with communication, like we do. When I told you the way everything you say matters so much, and your opinion is important to me, and that I’m more sensitive to your input once we had sex it made me feel unspeakably horrid when you said you would never have had sex with me if you knew that. Since it is literally a result of dissolving a layer(s) of boundary between us, bringing us closer together. and removing the separateness between the concept of self as we fuse together.//

It did throw a fork in my spokes biking down the trail of sex, because I don’t know how to keep those things from happening when I have sex. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t want to prevent it anyways. It’s not like I made the conscientious decision to dissolve my barriers for you. It’s just what happens. Since we usually have such trouble understanding each other; I hope that your reaction and comment were of another misunderstanding on this concept.


Kismet Witstatic

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February 2019