January 23rd, 2013

Kuromi Cherry

that

You know what (me)? You need to have some higher standards for yourself. You promised yourself that you wouldn't repeat the same self sacraficial pattern: Cultivating affections toward an individual whom does not reciprocate in the ways that you should reqiore. I do admit, you are making progress, albeit; Much slower than you should, and could.

The first example of this circumstance is Mr Foe-Felon. You loved the fuck out of him and he abused the fuck out of you. He's totally gay, and you're TOTALLY FEMALE. Not only would you accept his abuse of you; You welcomed and requested it. You offered your weaknesses for his disposal of you. He could have destroyed you if your family didn't pull you out when they did. They forced their way into the contamination that he is, and risked their own wellbeing in order to drag you away from him, kicking and screaming.

Next, Mr Loser Baby. He wasn't gay, hey hey! progress... He wanted to be friends with you, but ONLU once you got a car. He conviniently seemed to be available to spend time with you 20 minutes before he needed to be dropped off somewhere. You used your first paycheck at your brand new job to bail his older brother out of jail instead of paying your car insuance, buying a hotel for yourself (since, at the time, you had no place to go), only for his ungrateful disgusting ass to kick you out of his house once he returned, without even a thank you. There was no qualms about taking from you, borrowing, needing, using. Only sudden onset shyness when it came to reimbursement, or simply acknowledgement. Lucky boys to find a girl who doesn't do favors for the 'thank you'. One question though; Why exactly DID you do it?

Now, this. An invisible. A one way relationship MASCOT. At least with the others, they were THERE to treat you wrong. He doesn't even treat you at all. What sustains this? Are you still anorexic? Why can't you fit into your little black dress then?!? Ugh. you.
  • Current Mood
    sleepy sleepy
Kuromi Cherry

Ambiguity

I feel so ridiculous and emotional and hateful. I don't want to hate. It makes me cry, the way I hate. Why is love so simple for others to happen upon, and it's like pulling teeth for me to even keep a friend? Am I unlovable? What is so fucking terrible? Why is it so hard to imagine loving me? Usually I find it easy to do- but right now, maybe I see what it is that makes me so repelling. I just wish I could escape from myself. I just wish I could melt into someone's arms and feel safe. Why do I have to be alone?

Sometimes i can understand and respect it. I imagine myself having many issues with a breakup if I had someone through this time. I would equate their presence with my ability to survive. I can't do that now because there is no pattern of presence to correlate with.

At the same time, I just... ugh. I really want to die. I really do.
I can't leave behind such a mess. I could never leave anyone with this mess, I have to do everything I can to clean it up before i leave here.