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Neurotic Piñata

I feel like something must have happen that I didn’t realize the depths of. It must have. There were a few times I completely misunderstood him, and got offended and hurt by what I thought he meant, but I believed that we talked these miscommunications through. There is, and will always be, room for improvement on the way I conduct myself.
I spent the weekend over at Crostiare’s house. I was going to leave shortly after our walk anyways. He told me that I could choose the route we take, and I asked if I could choose in the middle of the walk, depending on how my knee felt. On thee walk, he became frustrated with his son, for having an “I can’t”, attitude. He wanted to make his son finish the long walk to show him that he is capable. I understood this, but at the halfway point, my knee was hurting so bad. I thought it was still my decision, I told him I wanted to turn back instead of taking the longer route. He said that his priorities had changed. I nodded. I told him that my knee really hurt, but I would follow him where he chooses to go. - I was upset. I felt like injury should take priority over attitude/behavior. We walked a little further, and he decided to send me and his kids back the short way. He handed me my things, and said that he would be gone for awhile longer, implying that I should leave. I asked him for a hug. Before he extended his arms, he told me he was done putting up with my attitude that I’ve had all weekend, and he was done playing games. Then he put his arms out to hug me, but I didn’t want his stupid hug anymore.
I know I’m on my period, but I really thought I was doing okay.- Not my best, but understandable and manageable. I noticed I was overly offended by things, but I didn’t perceive myself to be throwing out hostility. I was not trying to play games. I probably deserved to be scolded at some point during the weekend, and, he tried to let it go, but instead let it out in a displaced moment. I hurried as fast as I could ahead of all of them, I was so hurt, I just wanted to get the hell out of there. I feel so punished by him. I sent him a text message that said I didn’t mean to have an attitude, and that I’m sorry. No reply. He didn’t ask if I made it home safe or anything. I wonder if he decided he doesn’t care for me as deeply as he thought, or whether I just thought he cared more deeply for me than he ever did. He said he’ll be there to help me through my mom dying, and that he knows exactly what I will need, but if he can’t even handle my period, how will he be able to handle me in grief? Even if I try my very best to be as sweet as possible, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I will be a complete jerk when my mom dies.
I really don’t feel sexy on my period, obviously that’s pretty common. I thought it was really cool of him to say he didn’t mind that I didn’t want to do anything sexy, and still want to spend the weekend with me. I feel like I should have made him cum though. Maybe he wouldn’t have been so irritable. I’m not sure there was much of a chance for any hanky panky anyhow, being that the kids were always close by.
The other day he was telling me that he is keeping his heart at a safe healthy distance from me until it fully heals. I thought I understood this better than I now believe I do. I don’t think I’m keeping my heart at a distance at all. I don’t think I know how. I don’t think that is safe, or healthy for me.  I'm just completely so bummed out now. I decided to stay up all nigt because I have a dentist appointment at 9 in the morning, and major anxiety. I wanted to try and get myself to fall asleep in the chair. The hardest part of going to the dentist for me, is actually in the 12 hours before the appointment. I wonder how long it will take him to contact me, and or if he will miss me at all. I really think this bothers me more deeply because I have abandonment issues. This triggered the hell out of them. How can I even trust that he's going to be here for me when my mom dies? It's illogical now. -Maybe I am jumping the gun with that, depending on how long it takes for him to contact me, and if there was anything going on that I do not yet know about.
I know an instance that bothered us both, was when I asked if he wanted to listen to a recording of me freestyle rapping. I think I’m brilliant, but still somehow it is a great challenge for me to have someone else listen to it. Maybe because it’s my naked heart? -That’s my best guess. He said he didn’t want to listen to it at that moment because he couldn’t pay it the attention it deserves. I felt dissed and honored at the same time by that response, but stupidly, persisted. I asked him if he would listen to one where I’m getting free key, no lyrics, only 46 seconds long. He said he would listen to it if I played it out loud on the speaker, but would not put the receiver to his ear. I am still too crazy bashful to play it on the speaker even when I’m the only one around. Since it was already so difficult for me to even ask him to listen, I decided neither of us were ready for him to hear them. This decision was driven by wise mind. Logically, I could see that he was not expressing disinterest in hearing my recordings, and that I should not take offense to his diplomatic response. Also, I could feel my heart retracting from the desire to share. I felt unworthy of being listened to/heard. I immediately could tell this was an oversensitive, and irrational reaction. I deduced that I was not emotionally prepared to share these recordings yet. I brought it up again in the morning,- asked why he wouldn’t just listen to it on the receiver. He said it was because he didn’t want to, but would want to listen at another time, and asked if I would drop the topic. I, (too honestly), said I no longer wanted to share them, but would drop it immediately. His face looked upset and confused. My over-honesty came with a layer of vagueness which made my words a lot harsher than I meant them. When I get the chance, I will tell him clearly that it was not because of his rejection that i chose not to share these recordings, but because of my oversensitivity about the matter. I will not initiate contact first, because it would deprive myself and him from the opportunity to have a more meaningful impact. If he reaches out to me, that will mean a lot. If I reach out, and then he responds to me, that would still mean a lot, but somehow less. I compulsively ordered him a gift. Its something I already wanted for him to have, but in this circumstance I feel instant regret. I feel like I am bating him for a response that I believe will not otherwise come to fruition. I sincerely hope he contacts me before he receives the gift, and not simply to say thank you when he receives it, the same way as happened when I sent gifts after a previous discord. That time, he didn’t miss me at all. He was very busy having his heart re broken by the ex.
He has been learning about underlying implications of words in therapy. I am a logophile, so obviously I eat that shit up, yum. He keeps on thinking I’m arguing with him, because I am. He doesn’t understand that the stimulation for my side of the argument is passion, and I don’t grasp that his stimulation for argument is only frustration. of course I’ve been in a frustrated argument before, but it’s always a choice, and not a reflex (I try.)
Update: He dumped me. One of the more important discussions that I omitted from this description, was that he doesn’t want to have any more kids, and I do. I hope this is the driving factor for why he won’t forgive me for anything that happen. I never saw him as having a forgiveness issue. I do think we had miscommunications, like I said. I don’t believe that makes us incompatible. I think it just meant that I was oversensitive, as usual, on my period. If it weren’t for the baby issue, I feel like this alone should be forgivable. I don’t expect him to just put up and shut up with me on my period, but I would be willing to learn some more coping skills and things to make sure communications go more smoothly. That being said, I do think he may find it easier to let go of me if we were also incompatible beyond the baby thing. It makes me pick myself apart though. It makes me wonder what exactly I did that is so unforgivable. I said, “You won’t let me off the hook, will you?”, meaning either that he tell me exactly what I did so that I can stop picking myself apart, or concede that it all goes back to the baby issue, he said, “Nope”. I think this also indicates that he wasn’t ready to talk to me yet. (I did go against my own plan, and initiate first contact.) He may have still dumped me, but I think he would have been ready to at least accept my apology, if not also apologize. The fact that he said that about letting me off the hook, makes it sound to me like he wants me to hurt. I wonder why. I told him it really was never my intention to make him feel on eggshells. I honestly don’t think I should be the only one apologizing. He told me to stop apologizing but he didn’t forgive me. I think that means the wise thing to do is leave him alone for now. Because of the baby thing, I agree with us being incompatible, for specifically that reason, along with my fetish. I do think I could get him to understand my fetish, and have fun with it to a certain degree, but not completely accept it truly. A part of me feels like this doesn’t hurt as bad as I expected, and the other part of me is fighting myself from thinking of all the things I should have, could have, would have done. Like, stopped at the park in the middle of the walk home with the boys. They asked me, and I said I’m sorry but I just want to get home. Maybe if I had stopped at the park, it would have given him and I a chance to cool off and talk again before parting ways. Who knows what that could have done for the situation. Ultimately, nothing I did or didn’t do will change the fact that he does not want to have any more children, and I do. Anything we work on building from here on, is tainted with the sense of impending dread for one of us to betray our heart’s desire.

Update II: When he dumped me, I told him I didn’t want to speak to him for awhile because he hurt me, and he said he understood. I told him I would block him from my phone, but still receive his messages on my computer if he still wanted to talk to me, I would see his messages eventually. Every day, he messaged me multiple times, updating me on what and how he’s doing. Random little things throughout his day that he found meaningful. I felt two different ways about this. I found it very endearing that he would still talk to me, but I felt that it meant he wouldn’t miss me, or perceive my absence. I’m not sure he is actually aware of how interconnected we have been for so long. We both greatly value one and other’s opinions about our personal life endeavors. We both use each other as a human diary page. We offer each other a very important safe haven, where we can say anything, and know the other person will care about it on some level. There are so many things I adore about him; and also a few things I truly resent.
I thoroughly understand that he is not ready to be in a relationship. When he was ready before, with her; He went on a dating site. He handed his heart to her on a silver platter with a sprig of parsley. I can see this, and understand it rationally, but it makes me so livid emotionally, because I truly feel that I deserve his heart. I love(d) him substantially, and at certain junctures, he shit and spit on me. I think I’m haughty, and I have an attitude. More than I care to realize. I know this is a stark difference between his ex and I. She kept her feelings drawn. He says she *never* yelled. I don’t want to jump to the conclusion that it means she never expressed frustration, or engaged in conflict, but I feel like it may be so. He says they got along so well, so well. I realize that I don’t truly know, but I have an idea that this was because she was never entirely real with him.
I feel that I am capable of completing these obstacles he puts me through, and I very well may even deserve it, given that I am not a perfect human being. Understanding a thing is completely separate from emotional reaction to it. I feel like she deserves this bullshit as much as, if not more than I do. Although she opened his heart to the age difference, first between the two of them, and ultimately led to him being able to see me in his shoes, and himself in hers. For that, I thank her. I don’t know whether it makes it easier, or more difficult, that I actually like her. The things I learn about her are cute and quirky. The first thing he ever told me about her, was that she has jealousy issues. He was explaining why he fell off the fave of my earth. When we resumed talking to each other, we resumed everything- the sexting, the naughty conversations. He admitted that he also chose to ignore me because he wanted me badly. I wasn’t sure how to feel about that, because obviously he didn’t choose me. To be fair, at that time; I’m not sure that he realized I was an option. We both felt that I was not mature enough to take on everything that a relationship would entail with him;- namely, his children.
I only pretend to be an adult. Truly, I am still a child. I thought this would get in the way of me being an adult figure to children, but I was dead wrong. It helps me relate to them on a level that most adults are disconnected from. They still understand that I am an adult, and I tread the boundary between, much more gracefully than I anticipated. He says I’ve matured in many ways over the past 3 years, taking care of my mom and such. He’s not the only person to have said that. I know it’s long overdue, but I really don’t want to grow up. I guess its alright. I’d rather realize i’m getting older than be shocked by it in the mirror. I just turned 29. I will be 30 next year. I still don’t feel like I can say I’m almost 30 though, because I’m barely 29. I don’t feel a day past 25. Not to brag, but I don’t look a day past that either. I suppose I’m slowly moving forward though, because when I was 26, I felt 22, and that means I’m not continuing to fall behind. Many adults express feeling this way.

A few years ago, I had an issue- I’m pretty sure I created. That, or the universe did it to save me somehow. There would be huge chunks of time- 2 weeks, and more, where absolutely no one would reply to my text messages, or answer my calls. No one. I would contact 10 people at least. I now feel that I could have caused this because I’m not always the quickest to reply. It wasn’t each individual situation that bothered me; It was the collective. What kind of coincidence could it be that absolutely everyone I reach out to, is too busy to reply within 24 hours? It boggles. Its also a part of growing up- everyone being less available. A few months ago, Landon asked me if this still happens, assuming that my support system is now better. I told him it doesn’t happen anymore, but this is also because I choose not to cast my line as far. I choose to live my own life, and be the busy one missing calls. Also, because he stayed in constant contact with me, I barely noticed that he was the only one I spoke to for those inane hunks of time. I realized this the other day, and I unblocked him from my phone, thanked him, and told him that I didn’t want to ignore him anymore. I also asked him to clarify if he never wanted to be in a relationship with me, or if I was still on the table for the future when he deems himself ready. He said I was still on the table, which kept me satisfied.
The next morning, he asked me if I wanted to be friends with benefits. He was trying to be funny, when he added that he didn’t mind if I said no because he has his silicone operated girlfriend. I said no. I said that at least he gives his silicone more respect with the title of, “girlfriend”. I said I didn’t deserve this from him, and told him to eat shit. He said that was a bitchy response, and it’s exactly what he would say if I ever asked him about a relationship again. I said that it was bitchy of him to ask me to be friends with benefits, and that he was blocked. This is the closest he has come to calling me a bitch. He better never. Perhaps my boundary lines are abstractly drawn, but calling me a bitch is absolutely unforgivable. Or well, its one of those things that I will try to forgive, and struggle to forget. He blocked me too. I know this only because I didn’t block him on my computer until today, so I received that last reply.
I feel like I bestow too many accolades on him. He doesn’t deserve them. He wouldn’t have this effect on me if I didn’t have this admiration and respect for him. If this admiration hadn’t turned into some level of expectation.
He has done the most romantic gestures for me that a man has ever.- But with half heartedness. He makes me feel so important and unimportant all at the same time.
He said that I’m also not in a position to be in a relationship. I do find myself ready to be in a relationship, I know that I’m needing to focus heavily on my mom, and that’s fine. I don’t think that’s a reason that I should keep from meeting people or finding love. I think it’s one thing I can do for myself that will help put my mom at ease over the pressure of leaving me alone. I don’t want to ease that pressure too much, because I don’t want her to leave me. I don’t want that to stop me from being as prepared as possible. On the other hand, I don’t want anything or anyone to distract me from being entirely present with her for what time we have together. It doesn’t offend me that he said this, because I understand that he meant well. Maybe he’s even right and I’m wrong. I don’t want to be left alone though. I also don’t want that to be what compels me to find someone. It’s complicated.

The more I think about it, she's right (my sister), said i never really mattered to him. Well, that's harsher than what she actually said. She said he has never felt as strongly for me as I have for him, which is true. It's so achy to know.- And of course he will miss me, but he won't realize he's missing me. He'll think he's missing her.

It’s difficult to label friends as family, because they might show you exactly how they will never be your family.




( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 5th, 2017 08:22 am (UTC)

couldn't he have said to his son "you r very lucky this lady has her knee hurting n that's why we r turning back, but next time they'll be no excuses"?

this would have made everyone happy

and a side note, no one is perfect n it's best to count on ourselves n not to perceive a man as future/current emotional crutch, it's a very heavy burden even for a close relative, not mentioning a man with whom the relationship is a bit fresh

pls don't take me wrong, I mean no harm n hope I didn't sound harsh

just wanted to let I know there's someone who feels sorry for your situation with your mom n wantdh to show some support

Jun. 5th, 2017 09:40 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much for your concern. I get what you're saying about the emotional crutch thing.-I think there is a difference between that and not wanting to be all alone. (Is there??)
We aren't in a relationship but it also isn't fresh. We have been close friends who admire each other for 9 years.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )


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