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Returning to God

My emotions are so strong again. Like when i was the closest to God, but it hurts so much.

You were right i was on day 7, yesterday. You must've known& counted the day  i skipped, mothers day; because of the play-dead sleep.]

My mom was not a fan of me today (5/17). I intercepted her leaving for chemo and insisted on driving her because of the ambien. At the elevator, she asked me if i brought her watch that needsd batteries. I hadn't. She was upset. At the lab she said she was hungry and i offered to run down to the cafeteria and pick something up for her. She said that would have been nice 10 minutes ago.

I left the cancer center to visit Dontae who was in the building next door. She called me 30 minutes later ready to go. Ready already? Woah! She must have had to skip chemo? (No) it was 12:45 and her chemo was supposed to be at 1:20.  In that time, she wanted us to go pick up the watch, get batteries, and go to the e cigarettes store. This was soOo0oOo infuriating to me. How over complicated everything had become. I told her I already planned to get batteries for her on my own and didn't she trust me? She said no. That made me laugh a little bit in secret.

As i drove, I pondered what the burning urge was for her to do this all now, and i realized that the in this time before chemo, she is the furthest from all the toxins being in her system, and thus, she feels the best that she will feel all week. right now. (Which, to mention, was not very great)

I cried behind my eyes for her.

[RDM truth: My (literal) vision becomes additionally acute when i cry more often]

I was glad i didn't snap at her. I just had said that she had me doing backflips in an irate tone as we were leaving the medical center.

I grabbed the burnt out bulb to my pretty night light  when i ran inside the house to get her watch. When we got to the store, she asked me why i didn't bring the piece to this lamp that needs to be replaced. I told her in my most earnest and loving voice that i might have ESP, but I definitely did not know how to use it. She turned away and smiled big.

Her whole demeanor changed and she stopped ripping me for all the things i could have done, but ago; Ago.

That felt amazing. It felt like success. It flooded my heart


Blue Jam Tunes
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