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Bare Honesty

I have been avoiding myself. I'm not sure why. I just noticed; The way I used to cherish my autonomy, and I didn't know the meaning of, "lonely". It even used to feel like I could only finally make noise in a moment alone.

I take adderall for the opposite of escaping. Really I’m a hypersomniac; I could sleep forever, and I have trouble waking up. I also think this is directly caused by that? Maybe the truth is, in parts it is escaping. I like the sleep too deep for dreams that comes after being awake or days. I like the giggles and delerium that comes before the sleep. -But, firstly I take it to be present, because at this point, without it I am not all there. I've been on it since I was 5 years old, while my brain was still developing; Which is how I justify the dependence. I call it dependence instead of addiction just to make it better on my conscience, but i think dependence is actually a step further than addiction

Dependence is when you nevrr let yourself run out.

The circadian rhythm thing is by choice, I think. It’s my coping mechanism for chronophobia, because the days move too quickly naturally; I’ve implemented a personal preference addendum. I can and have switch(ed) it off immediately if I decide to. I do think it’s the main thing that pulls me away from other people, and makes me think I'm bad for my dogs' health.

I want to find somebody who will encourage me to defy my anxiety; Push past the threshold of impending doom.I attempt to do it on my own, and I succeed sometimes.
It doesn't make sense that I struggle with this. I mean, I get off on awkwardness; and how is that so different from anxiety? I can't seem to squash the feelnig completely, so I'm going to try to get into it; to be sensory seeking again, rather than sensory defensive..


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May 2019