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Touch

Contemplating the meaning of life is proably a tangent in reguard to the meaning of life. Maybe I shouldn't try to dig too deeply into the reason, and instead; Indulge the moment/ I don't know how to be like that. It seems impulsive-like, but impulsive has the propensity to lose control. I don't know how not to be hung up on knowing. I want so deeply to understand, that it's getting in the way of living fully; Because at the same time, I try so hard to delude myself, that I may have an instance of joy. I don't want that to cause me to miss it.
I've completely stopped trying to, "be". The scope has shifted to simply getting by. "Who I am", has ceased to matter in the midst of this. I've given up so much of myself for no need. I demand to take a more active role in keeping this from happening anymore. There was a time when I actually loved myself. Keeping grasp of that love is key to surviving after she's gone. I don't want to bog myself down by thinking too much of after, but in that; I seem to have cut ties with the whole future.
I can tell on some level that I am still the same person; and that I've even gained skill in areas and ways unimagined. I used to feel that I am less than what I once was. I can no longer say that with certainty, which is comforting. There are ways I was better then, and ways I am better now. It's not so clear cut.
I think they're going to start roofing tomorrow. I honestly feel like it will be so cathartic for me. There will be a chunk of day designated to noise, and I will get to stop being so quiet. She hasn't been able to sleep well, but she still manages to not always be trying to rest. I appreciate that. I know that when chemo starts, she will go back to always resting. It breaks my heart. It's strange to me, how they're so flexible with her making the choice between having chemo and not having chemo, but they won't let her change the scheduling at all.- I mean just her regular doctor when I say that. I do understand the trials being controlled.
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My mom thinks I should blow him off. On one hand, I feel like she’s totally right. On the other hand, I still sort of feel like I haven’t been exactly fair to him, and maybe I should try. He completely shoots me down so often, and says he wasn’t intending to, and also that he feels shot down by me as well. I know I didn’t intend to either. Well, not at first. I slipped and acted beneath myself at times.My iniitial intent was to show him the way he was treating me. Instead of conveying an example, I introduced more conflict. I knew better too. When I decide to try to drop all my bullshit and stop playing games, he's still in the process of trying to win. I can't figure out how to stop fighting without letting him win. I don't think it would be satisfying to back down. Perhaps I should try it *just once*. I really don't think he's trying his best either; But I do think he's been trying harder than I have. Maybe it truly is neither of our fault. We definately struggle to communicate. We both have to make an extra effort to understand each other, and even then, most of the time we fail. A part of me believes that this issue has the potential to bring us closer together if we could ever work through it; But his first reaction to a miscommunication is to completely shut down. I don't think its possible to work through this with someone who gives up so quickly and easily, however; Being silent for a few minutes wouldn't be the worst way to cope. If It were possible to keep it relagated to that moment, instead of letting it permeate every interaction forevermore.

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
averonbehavior
Feb. 21st, 2017 06:57 am (UTC)
Interesting.....
(Anonymous)
Mar. 21st, 2017 08:07 am (UTC)
irony
communication is key, honesty with yourself and him might do wonders.
Maybe he not shutting down or trying to go silent but taking his time to carefully try to communicate in a different way but with same message but different outcome with better results, rather than continuing in the same pattern, or maybe he is shutting down and giving up. One way to ermine is if he is normal the quitting type or is he the type that doesn't give up? if he's not the best at being vocal/languages or having a voice or just learning to have a voice, might take him some, i dont really know enough and shouldn't comment without more.
Not asking for it, just saying
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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