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Pause the World

I worry that my erratic sleep schedule is having negative effects on Lucky, one of my dogs. With the other dog, I think I trained him how to deal with it in a healthier way. - He goes to bed when he's tired, with or without me. I appreciate that. I feel like it makes me less bad for him. In my depression, I haven't taken them out on as many walks as last summer. Thats funny because I was depressed last summer too. Just better at it. I was also consistently on an anti depressant, which may have had something to do with that. This year I've been switching, trying to find something that doesn't fuck me up more than it helps. It seems like there's a little more to it though. Like, I've totally stopped giving a fuck who I am anymore. I can't seem to drop the connection between hope and expectation, so instead I've dropped hoping. I guess it's not fair? It kind of seems fair to me. It makes perfect sense. I wish I didn't feel that way.
It seems ike he's already made up his mind about me; Who I am, how I am, and why I am. -And completely stopped getting to know me, because "he already knows" but he doesn't fucking know. He's completely wrong about most of it, because every soul is constantly expounding.
I think, originally; their statements were each rooted in truth, but as time has passed, they've both become more creatively condemning of each other. We used to be 3 best friends. It was a lot easier to let them each vent about each other to me, but recently, something really big happen with one of them, and I feel like I'm being completely lied to, by both of them.


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