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It's just that being around children accesses a different part of me;- A new level of process which I'm not accustomed to using. I completely love children, don't get me wrong,- but it's so draining to be an adult. The one who is expected to, "know better". To see multiple perspectives, conflict of my own opinions, outside my rights.
I am not the monster which I worry that I am.- My worst fears are of myself. To inadvertently become a predator.

I will work on being more able to
Come over there since its that important to you, but we will have to work up to me spending the night because that's very difficult for me. Its actually a taurus thing lol.
I can stay awake all night somewhere else but i can't fall asleep there. Including my gmas. Part of me thinks thats just because i seem to sleep deepest during the day
I love and enjoy the girls, but
I'm not used to being around children so much also. I did not know how to say that without sounding like a monster, having you taking it the wrong way . I'm still worried you will get the wrong idea
But there are things I know you do understand, about being abused as a child, and all the strange mind gymnastics that take place as a result of it
And me personally, am so destroyed about having to be an adult and not knowing how
I don't think its fair of you to suggest i make all these changes because of my depression when i really am doing my best- i can't change the fact that my mom is dying and its completely killing me. Not to mention that i get anxiety about spending too much time away from her;-Which is one thing i see an easy work around for, by continually returning to check in on her, and making a special effort to spend quality time with her as well. That part is easier said than done because quAlity time has been sparse for her
But i need you to not turn yourself into an ultimatum. I need you to accept me as i am, and be more gentle and encouraging. When you try to fix me, it feels like you're refusing to accept me as i am, which makes me wonder if i'm not acceptable as i am. I don't plan on feeding the downward spiral. The natural organic way of things dictates that your presence and romantic company will bring me happiness:: Limbic resonance


Kismet Witstatic

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February 2019