Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

Constant Inconsistency

I still subscribe to the belief that, "everything happens for a reason"; In the utilitarian sense. -Not the karmic-dharmic, or dogmatic sense. The reason can't make sense to us from the human perspective, because we are all self-centered, and still not singular enough."The reason" entails us as one, and in that spectrum, it fits perfectly.
-Project Semicolon. I looked at the website, and I love the premise, but it doesn't represent itself as well as I think it should; As well as I could. I especially love it because I, as a writer, adore and, not-incorrectly, but overly employ the semicolon. "Your story is not over. A semicolon is used when an author could've ended a sentence, but chose not to. You are the author, and the sentence is your life". Its a movement of hope and second chances, and tattoos. The tattoo is big- to get a semicolon on the inner wrist. People who have been personally affected by suicide in whatever way that makes them want to make themselves a living testament of hope, in progress of a life's sentence. I have been playing with the idea of getting the tattoo, especially since I've seen so many awesome ones. I used to cut myself when I was 14-22. It has been more than 7 years for most of my scars, which is the time it takes them to fully fade. My scars don't pop out and take notice of the whole room's focus the way they used to do. I am ashamed of myself for it now. I don't understand it at all, which is a good thing, I reckon. I accidentally cut my finger a few weeks ago, and it hurt so bad. -I just couldn't imagine my own mindset when I used to do that kind of thing deliberately. I mention this, to say that my forearms are already very marred in a way that resembles suicide; Strong enough to conjure assumptions in viewing eyes. Perhaps though, not colorful enough to represent the truth about me. -To say that living on is not a failure of my attempt; But the success of a greater thing. At the very least, a longer story. I think the subject line was caliente because I really liked the line I wrote about, "No gray area". Not entirely sure. I only make sense when you look indirectly. I appear random in your direct focus, but tie together divinely in a 7 second relay-delay, way.
--I saw a dermatologist last Friday. He said I've been doing everything right, and prescribed me a stronger version of the stuff I've been using, which was Retinol. The stronger stuff is called Tretinoin. It's pretty fascinating stuff to me; Which is the silver lining to a shit-situation; So, I'm glad. I'm trying to be as fascinated as I can by it, because it bypasses the anger phase. I wouldn't allow myself to do too much research on it before I had access to it because it gets shoved in my face for literally every skin issue I've sought remedy for. It's also pretty mysterious in that although scientists know exactly what it does, they don't know how it works.

Mooney, and I have determined that my strange static cling, and hypersensitivity/affinity against hairs, are a result of my bio-magnetic energy, aka, my magic. This is also one reason for the forehead acne as well, because I'm a friggen magnet in the worst way, until I can hopefully harness and/or control it on some level. The universe is comprised of strands, of which are compelled to my force for some reason other than frustrating me, I presume.
He witnessed, and confirmed the electric, tickling strand sensation of my energy when I hovered my hands over him. Perhaps a best friend would confirm my magical ideation, when said strand opposes my sanity; but I do believe he was being honest. Either way, believing this has made me more sensory seeking.

I know I haven't been messaging as much as I was. I do think it's healthy for both of us to write each other. Though Jeff makes a strong effort to make sure I don't isolate myself, I put on a courageous demeanor for everyone. I figure I'll "fake it till I make it", yeah? In writing/typing I form words that I couldn't bear to shape with my tongue.

My computer issue is a bit more complex than I let on before, in that I don't know exactly what is taking up so much space. The bulk of my files are music, which are all on my external hard drive. I sort of suspect that I have some setting wrong, and it copies every song I try to play from my computer, back to my hard drive to play it. That would piss me off though, because there is a checkbox that is unchecked on itunes to, "copy all music to itunes folder". This wouldn't be the first apple glitch of its kind. Uggg. On the iphone settings, there is a checkbox that I have unchecked to "enable group messaging". At one point, this entailed that I could send one message to several recipients individually
...AT THE SAME TIME! I ran out of characters in the last message. 2500 are not many, really. I usually send my first message of the night before reaching the character limit, in fear of it being spontaneously erased, or that it will be my only message for an unknown length of time. Some days it seems impossible to form words. Other days, I'm textually inclined. This begrudgingly
[Private versionb]:coincides with my computer's functionality. I think. Maybe I have that backwards. Some months I am attached to my laptop. It comes with me to every room, including the loo, the car, the yard. Some more recent months the laptop has become rooted to a table, and I use it 2/7 days, to send messages to you. The iphone is being used at a fraction of its capacity as just an MP3 player, tethered to the sound system across the room. If my service got shut off, I wouldn't realize for weeks. I don't know why I run so hot and cold this way, about pretty much everything. You'll find my middle ground when you ask me to make a decision though; Because, can I? No, LMAO. I'm straddling the fence to figure out which mistake I should make.
[message version]:correlated to my computer's functionality. Or something like that. There are different phases of myself, like; For months I'll keep my laptop with me in every room, including the bathroom, and under my pillow when I sleep. Then suddenly, not so suddenly, more recently, I'm disconnected from technology, and compatibility with it, My laptop has grown roots to a table, my iphone performs less than half of its capacity, being just a music player to me. I have been trying to switch gears, to get my tech on and fix my issues, finally? Though, it starts with this tornado of clutter I have created around me.


Blue Jam Tunes
Kismet Witstatic

Latest Month

May 2019