Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

My heart is a private road

We walked into this with the awareness that he didn't understand me very well before.
He's emotionally dense; I'm emotionally intense.
I think it just timed out.

I also thought it was a fair compromise to honor his difficulty with the date of February 14th, being his ex-anniversary; but be my valentine on the 16th; Which happens to be my dog's birthday, whose name is Amore, and I said something like, "I love that I named my dog Amore, because now I get to have you on the day love was born!". He said this was intense. I completely see his point. I didn't really intend for it to be as intense as it seems. I wanted it to come off like I was being a better sport about him refusing to participate in valentines day. I do have sensitivity about valentines day, and the desire for acceptance, or approval over it, but I have a sense that his issue with it runs far deeper than mine does.
I think its funny that he says he still wants to be my friend after going about this situation in the most inconsiderate possible way. We were supposed to have dinner and a movie tonight, and he waited to reply to my hello at 3 this afternoon until 8 tonight, instead of giving me the common decency of dumping me earlier, and not standing me up. It was deliberately cruel. I wonder if he was really deliberating on whether or not to dump me that whole time, or if he knew for awhile, and decided to stand me up.

He is absolutely right that we're not a match, but I come to the same conclusion for different reasons. Like, he always expects to be able to tell the truth to me, but is constantly adverse to hearing my honesty. -
Maybe thats not completely fair of me to say, because; Several times i confided some of my personal struggles to him.- Not thinking of a relationship for what it really is: An interview process for marriage, whereby, each person adopts the burdens and struggles of the other, as their own. If I were to view things through this scope, instead of just being genuine in the moment, I would be sure to always minimize the prospect of my burden. Having a lot on my plate makes me a lot to have on his plate, and I just didn't think of it like that when I told him heavy things. I never meant to throw the weight on him.
I'm glad to know sooner rather than later that the bond was too weak to withstand conflict. I didn't peg him for a person like that. It's like his operating system malfunctioned.
The root of the valentines day issue was with his *first* ex; because their anniversary fell on valentines day, and bitter (or maybe too sweet?) memories make him refuse to participate in the holiday.
I know he was saying he wasn't ready to confront this within himself, but I made the choice to start a little shit about it; More often, when people are invited to set down their burdens, they feel permitted to. You know I read and reread the vday fight transcript. I wasn’t harsh at all. I said that i deserved to be treated special on valentines day, and it hurt my heart that he refused to, and sad that he chooses to be imprisoned by memories on this day each year, instead of layering new amazing memories over of old ones until pages are thick atop them.

Maybe he doesn't even realize it himself, but the fact that we spent 17 days apart makes me believe the rift began much earlier than the vday shit. When he got back from his vacation, I asked him, "when can I see you?", along with another random message, twice; and both times he replied to the random message, leaving my question unanswered. Maybe he realized before I did, that he would never be able to live up to my fantasy of him; That it was doomed the moment i fantasized of things I've never experienced.
I feel like a mega-idiot, because in the beginning, I felt apprehensive of him. It was actually in that 17 day period of not seeing him that i convinced myself to trust him. Stupid for 2 reasons- My skepticism helped cause the rift, and I chose to ditch it at the wrong time. Initially i knew it was a horrible idea to share a notebook with him, not enough time in, I'm letting him choose from my empty books and I'm in. Stupid for forcing my own guard down. Also, throughout those 17 days, I accumulated all these random little thoughts I wanted to share with him when i next saw him, which are now completely irrelevant. I'm also bothered by the fact that I realize that the version of myself represented via text is perceived much more intensely than the full version. I believe this is also true of him, and I wonder if the bulk of the issue began and ended in SMS conjecture


Blue Jam Tunes
Kismet Witstatic

Latest Month

May 2019