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Delusion progression to Excoriation

I've been noticing that i dont realize when I’m committing self sabotage. I don’t have a ritual, tool, or tradition like with cutting. It manifests in different ways that I catch in retrospect. I respect the way Scheester was a lot more truthful with herself (and i)) about her self injuring behaviors, and though I did modify my behavior with good faith, I deluded myself into believing I was instantly cured; and that delusion was so deep-seated that I now struggle to discern what, “truth”, is real. I wonder how manipulative I have subconsciously been of myself. 6/2010 was my final incision. 1/2011 new years resolution to stop shaving my chin, for more feminine hair removal options, which turned out to be the gateway and beginning of my excoriations 😖By March, I was spending several hours in the mirror , obsessively tweezing hairs- not injuriously, but disorderly. One morning I woke up on time to get to my 9AM class, which i skipped, and all the others up to my 6PM class. ENTIRELY spent tweezing/trying to tweeze; I am stunningly bad at tweezing (with my right hand), which began to piss me off so badly, I wanted to stop being a failure, (self talk) “i spent 5 fucking hours trying to remove 1 hair, and have not”.. I would forget for less than a second, that a battle opposing oneself cannot be wisely waged, or won; Tearing a chunk of flesh from my own face, usually, *still* failing to remove a single hair.

My left hand is impressively steady, and precise with any minute task, but my right hand is a stubborn control freak which refuses to consign any of facial grooming to the better qualified candidate;- A matter in and of itself being worked on.

This is a snapshot of the beginning. I can proudly say I often stop myself before carrying out the act. I am so sick of the shame and regret I face in the mirror after I return from vicious erratic-irrationality. I look upon the wounds I, myself, have caused, and wonder who I am, to have done this. In my right mind, I cannot identify the reason. A hair is far more beautiful than a missing chunk of flesh. Choose the hair, I beg of you, self. I beseech thyself to be gentle and kind to myself


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Kismet Witstatic

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