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I've lost so much since I've lost Sircone. Everything had to change, my mom's cancer came back, and is incurable, and I lost my best friend. Right now, I am ruminating on the loss of that friend. It seems absurd to me. He went and got some random girl pregnant, and then married her. I thought I liked her. I just hate that she had to take him away. I hope she cherishes him, and realizes that he is a gift from God. I pray that he knew I celebrated him in my world.

It seems like I go through chronological nostalgia. I pray for God to heal my heart and make me whole, and grant me the serenity and wisdom to know whether I should cut him out of my world, or continue making attempts. Actually, I missed the last two events that he invited me to. I totally didn't mean to, both times. I am such an ass. Maybe it was subconscious? I feel like this puts me at fault for everything. I feel like there's nothing cool that I could invite them to, I never host any parties or anything like that. There is a joke in here; like, I could invite them to the things I do, lol: "I have a doctors appointment next Thursday, Would your family like to attend?".
I didn't felt like he was right for me yet, but I really did think we would end up together. I didn't realize there was such a small window of availability. I was taking it slow; Appreciating all that he is/was; Getting to know him so that I could trust myself to love him. Stupid. I know that's why we aren't talking to each other anymore, deep down. I understand with a depth, and bitterness, why boys and girls can't be friends. In this last two years, I've lost so many male friends. I can't resist flirting with my friends. I've always felt that a romance should be built upon a sturdy friendship, two people who know they get along. I've never understood the concept of rushing past friendship, straight into romance. It seems to go against my instincts. My instincts seem to be shaped wrong though, because its a whole fuck-shit-stack to fall in love with a friend.
I like how it feels to contain certain subject matter within a single journal entry, adding details with edits rather than updates.
I was praying for clarity on whether to stop reaching out, or keep trying. I admit fault for missing the two things he invited me to. I really did want to go. Still, I can do nothing but regret it all in retrospect.
At some point on wednesday or thursday, I sent him a text message, apologizing *again* for missing his event, and explaining that I don't host anything to invite them to. I knew he was probably working when I sent them, and I was not offended. I called him on Sunday to try and see when they were available for me to meet the baby, and ask them to accept my pending friend request on facebook. (I took them off my friends list when I saw an several posts about them hanging out with "all the homies", to be kind to my heart. It's not fucking easy to see that mess.) Michael Jackson says "all I want to say is that they don't really care about us". Fitting. She said he was busy with the baby, and that she's never on facebook. I said, "well, whenever you do get on there, accept my request- its pending, k?". She asked how my mom is. I told her she just got out of the hospital. We ended the conversation with, "have a good day".
.. He sent me a text message about 5 minutes later, saying, "My wife felt very disrespected by you". I said, "I wasnt rude at all". He said he overheard and he thought I was rude too. I asked what I said that was so rude...? My tonality, he said. He was very assumptive. He added that he was at work when I texted him, and that I should understand him being busy with a baby these days. I do understand that. I told him that I hate talking on the phone, and that I would never call him again. He said that proved I wanted to be rude because, get this, *I was jumping to conclusions*. Well then, I know I'm not the only one hopping. Looks like we playing leap frog; But some loop has thrown them completely off the earth. What a whirl. Nauseating for me.
I took this as the sign I sought- Clearly, to let go. and I wept. I decided this would be the last time I cry for him. I'm still hurting, but there are no more shards of him actively eviscerating me.



Kismet Witstatic

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February 2019