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In order to live on

The one thing I could do every single day, all alone and never lonesome; Is be creative. I do all types of art, and if i could have a steady income with that, I would have it made for life. I can produce under extreme emotional duress.- Which I would be in, upon losing my whole family, piece by piece. I do think I'm strong enough to handle it, even without a lover or children. I think I could be so stable.
Want is another issue indeed. My mom is my best friend, and I WANT much time with her. As much time as God will permit, I want her to live long and free of suffering.
My mom says I should marry him, but he is in a serious relationship right now, and it isn't with me. He reminds me of my Papa. He can do anything. I need someone who is going to live longer though, because unless I take matters into my own hands, I'm going to live quite awhile. Maybe I'll find someone. Maybe I'll find a career that involves creativity, and/or research. Maybe even both.
What I need
(talking to self in second person): When you feel joy, don't discourage yourself from it because you are sad. You are allowed to feel happiness, and it doesn't make you a bad person. You are not ignoring your sadness; Though you are allowed to set it down, otherwise you won't be able to fully enjoy the present you have with her. Because you are able to liberate your mind from ruminating on death, for a single moment, it doesn't mean you've forgotten, or that you don't care.
Financial and emotional stability. Able to find joy easily. Strong with a strong support system. If she died tomorrow, the world would come crashing down on me. I would have relatives willing to take me in, which is more than I can say for sure in the future, but I would prefer to be able to support myself. I am not yet able to, because I put priority in taking care of her, and being with her, which I still have to figure out how to balance. I hate the idea of work taking me away from her for precious moments. It would be nice to be a paid caregiver, but so difficult to formalize every little thing we do for each other.


Blue Jam Tunes
Kismet Witstatic

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May 2019