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Social Destruct

Even the most talented writer can't avoid miscommunication via text message, Gah!
It's really not due to a lack of skill; It's an abundance of comfort. In conversation with my bestie, there are times when I forego emoji for the sake of speed. I just wanted to tell her that I was re-enjoying a story she shared with me. I wanted her to know that it tickled me, but she didn't remember what I was talking about, and I really didn't want to make a whole schpeel about it, so I said I didn't feel like explaining. She took that all wrong, like in a rude tone of voice that I didn't intend at all when I said it. Really without intonation, everything is up for interpretation. As much as I want to let go of this, something tells me that in order to truly come to a resolution, I have to have little to no text conversations with her. This seems harsh, but is of love for the face to face exchange. Seeing her would be a bigger deal if we didn't already know all the things going on with each other via social media, or, SMS. At the same time, we fill the entire visit with constant conversation, and often we cannot touch all the topics we wish to discuss. There are some things more efficient in text, and I am going to be more mindful of this difference.

My sewing machine is discouraging me. My grandma asked me to do a simple task. I completely know how to do it, but I have no idea what has gone awry with my thread tension. There are millions of strands of thread bunched up along the seam. I took the stitches all out, and did it over, and it happen again- WORSE. I shed a few tears. How come nothing can go right? Not even simple things.
I've gained weight, and I feel SO UGLY. I've been trying to lose it, but I haven't. I can't imagine how I would look if I weren't trying though. TurkeyLeg won't talk to me. I keep having dreams about him, and missing his companionship. He was like a big brother to me. My mom has been so depressed. She is not looking forward to starting chemo, and she's still talking about resisting treatment since the cancer will inevitably come back. Do you know how unfair this is?! GOD?! You made me an only child, with NO COUSINS, and NO FATHER, HOW COULD YOU TAKE HER AWAY FROM ME SO EARLY? My grandma got sisters and brothers, and a husband by the time she turned 20, and you let her keep her mother until she turned 68! How could you make me be so alone? How could you!? I'm jumping the gun, I know,- on losing her. She's still here, but I have to be realistic. I have to hash out a few of these emotions before they completely consume me. I am SO MAD!!!!! My grandma just says its not a right to be able to keep my mom, but I can tell she doesn't even try to imagine what my life will be like after they all die and leave me alone.

I am trying so hard to be my best today, and I keep getting hosed. I feel so discouraged and drained. Filling out a job application just now, I accidentally closed the browser. I was almost finished! I went back to the website, and nothing was saved. It's difficult to muster the fortitude for this. I am getting so much older than my true age reflects. All this idle time has gone by, and its just terrifying. I am 27 fucking years old. Seriously? I feel like I haven't aged past 22. I finally got myself to cry. Now, the whole reason I wanted to do that, was to feel some sort of release, but it isn't happening. I think I actually have too much control of withholding.

It's so shitty too- Sircone and I were moving slowly toward the ultimate goal of being together. Then suddenly, a different plan shifts into action, taking him away from me, and leaving him to embark on his journey with her. I like her too, and that stings more. And it stings to know that even though she came in between us, I would never dream of coming in between them. Still, just because of what was; and really I know why.- He has to pull away from me. Without doing a thing, I naturally come between in thought.

I have an electromagnetic pull. It causes cords to short, batteries in every watch I wear, to die within 24 hours of being on my person. It causes lights to come on and off, it causes alarms not set, to sound, and most prevalent, yet irritating- It pauses the music. So much. This has been oddly helpful in certain ways. Every time I start to obsess over ingrown hairs in the bathroom, the music stops. It drags me away from my obsession, because my mind gnaws at its own fibers without having the substance of music to chew on. It's so strange that this happens. It makes me profoundly thankful for the intervention. It also makes me feel special, because it's every single time without exception, giving the phenomena more reason to actually be of me.


Blue Jam Tunes
Kismet Witstatic

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