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my heart feels microwaved. This was supposed to be a healthy distraction; Maybe it still is, but I am just crying. Maybe it's better not to distinguish every reason for every feeling, but right now, I think I need to. First off; My mom starts chemo tomorrow. To recap: Her surgery was on the 13th of May, they were able to remove all the cancer. There will be these last 2 rounds of chemo for insurance. I know she hasn't been feeling any better, and that scares us. What exactly will, "better", be? She admitted to me, she doesn't listen to music, or watch shows. She has completely shut down; Now, all she does is try to rest. We were hoping for her to feel the tiniest spark of energy before the chemo had to come back and ransack her.
This was underlying in my mind, as the men in my life proceeded to go bonkers. I may have been a little too persistent, and self conscious, thinking that Efflux was ignoring me. I; However, was in the hot seat with all other aspects of my life. I dropped the ball, taking my mom to the medical center. I wanted to go back to sleep. My uncle took her instead; Forgot to put his car in park, and had a minor collision with a parked car in the lot. This, of course; Is my fault. That same day, I was supposed to take my grandma grocery shopping. My uncle also did that. Now, I am the black sheep. I just felt like I was in the hot seat with the whole world. Appaulo, not sure why- still; Said, "Don't call me, ever!". Efflux scolded me. I know he was trying not to hurt me, but it stung so much. Mostly because I never actually told him that I have a crush on him, and he still managed to reject me. My grandma is still holding a grudge against me, for not taking her to the store. I already feel so chastised by everything. Not to mention, that by missing the grocery store- I missed groceries! Can't that be punishment enough? I'm starving!


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Kismet Witstatic

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May 2019