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Mountains of Christmas

Everything is moving so fast; Which, I commend our healthcare system for, but am overwhelmed by. We have had doctors, and hospital appointments almost every single day this week (we got Friday off). Ovarian cancer comes with a life expectancy rate of one year. Not officially, erm, I have been too turtle to research anything on my own yet, so I'm just going by what I've been told, which I generally don't prefer. I like to do my own research, and have my own independent grasp on things before making my opinions on them. The actual buldge inside of her body is so big, it goes down the front of her body, and has been causing her a lot of pain. Before she knew what this was, she would blame the pain on other things. She did have a surgery in 2004, which the incisions became infected from. When I would see her, I wouldn't blink about it- feeling like I knew it was scar tissue; Maybe a hernia. A hernia wouldn't be amazing news, but it wouldn't be this. A hernia would be something to pretty much leave alone. The oncologist decided that a biopsy is too risky, and the fact that it is producing nodes, means it is most likely malignant. There are the odd occurrences, where a benign tumor could behave like this, but they put a lot of stress on the word *Odd*. They plan to remove all of her female reproductive organs, right down to her cervix. They anticipate the need to remove her spleen, and part of her colon- leaving her with a temporary or permanent colostomy. She is terrified of dying on the table. My grandma and I are more afraid of the surgeon closing her up without removing anything at all, and/or the chemo. My grandma said the surgeon would rather stick a firecracker up her (my mom's) ass than let her die. I found that colorful. She is making a lot of arrangements. One of the things they anticipate as well, is her dying. It makes me nauseous. I really want her to at least live until I have gray hairs.

The only reason I picked digital diary update, is because I type faster than I write. My mind still buzzes phenomenally quicker. I am much more disorganized- disoriented, than I usually can iterate my thoughts to seem. I don't understand how I can make people say I'm so organized. WTF do you see, people? I can say that my writing is more organized than my thoughts are, though.
I am so scared of the future. I am going to be alone. My immediate family members are all much older than me,-my mom: The youngest before me.  My mom far from understands me, but she goes out of her way to let me know that she accepts me, as the wild enigma I am.

I don't feel like I have someone to talk to. I have a hot temper. Even if I make it clear to someone, that I'm yelling about something else,- expressing my frustration to them, and not yelling *at* them, they just can't take it. The friend I usually can do this with, is in a completely different place right now. I can't say that I like Christmas, okay; and telling her this, caused her to freak out at me, cornball, "Touched by an Angel", "Stairway to Heaven", style. I didn't blame "Christmas", for any of my woes. It's just really hard to have holiday cheer in the midst of this. It upsets me that she completely took up as Christmas's lawyer, and threw my words out of context. Next time she has something to rant about, "go tell Christmas".  My mom decided to put up a fight, insisting that her surgery date be after Christmas, but with the way things have been rushing; I half expect them to force her to have it the day before.- I'm all for it, really; I would rather have what is best for her, than have her here with me for one day. A day, which; I really am not too fond of, so it wouldn't be terribly ruined if she weren't home. I mean, I don't want to put it up on a ridiculous pedestal, and say that it should be any more celebrated, or that it is any more blessed than every day.

All night, I had nightmares of obsession, war, and death. My character, (I call it that, because in  dreams, I don't have the same mind as in waking life), was obsessed with this person, who is a girlfriend of someone I used to know,- so completely removed, and unrelated to, 'now', I know she is a symbol for something else. She means something to me, and has become the mascott of this concept in my dreams.


Blue Jam Tunes
Kismet Witstatic

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