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Letter to ABD

I feel apprehensive of you, and of your family. As much as I have always wanted them to be my family, you chose to keep my existence hidden from them, and for this; I feel that your love for me, was overcast by your shame of me. Every time I had the chance to speak to you, I begged to know my brothers and sisters. What kept you from letting them know about me for so long? I would understand more: if they had known about me, and decided for themselves not to meet me; but you made the choice for all of us. Now we are adults. I spent my childhood dreaming I knew them, Imagining, always missing them; while they had no idea of me.
I'm glad you're a good father to them: They deserve that from you; But, why don't I? I can't help myself from wondering. I would be a fool not to feel apprehensive of letting you into my life now, on your schedule; After all this time. For a while, I felt guilty because I learned Spanish, and American sign language, before ever wanting to learn Arabic- But I completely understand my reasons: Why would I want to learn the language of my family who keeps my existence hidden? How could I possibly know whether I would have the chance to use the language, not knowing whether i would ever have the chance to speak to my family? Maybe if I had the opportunity to talk to my siblings when I was younger, I would be fluent in Arabic now instead of Spanish.
Rashid invited me to visit Saudi Arabia a while ago. My grandpa was still living, and barely hanging on; So I couldn't even consider it at the time. When I thought more about it though, I wondered how it could be feasible for me to visit, when you have gone to such great lengths to keep me hidden? What has changed so much, that you feel free to tell them about me now? It has taken me so long to even ask these questions because I'm not sure I'd really benefit from knowing the answers. Maybe I don't want to know.


Kismet Witstatic

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March 2019