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I know, I have my fair share of this affliction; Still, I have a profound respect for those who are aware of their surroundings. I get so irritated by injurious accidents that have no reason to happen, other than the fact that you're a doomed idiot. Okay, that's harsh, I'm glad I don't mean that. So endlessly frustrated still. Are you serious? How could I put it past you not to do something headless when you show me this level of heedless!?
I don't want to be so viscerally confronted by my own anger and disappointment. I don't want to be stuck on the diving board,  fighting again. I have to jump in order to just evade myself! I am so terrified of the dive, I am frozen in this, and I am so much more of a force not to be reckoned with than this plummet. To not jump, resigns me to a steeper fate than if this jump were to end in a face to stone collision; Truly. That's what. RAWR, to say. This is to the dragon who is chasing its tail. This isn't over; It's circular, so at the end it will begin again.
I promise, it makes me happy, even though it seems empty, It is exactly what I hoped for, part expecting to be let down. I haven't been. I've been satisfied to see my deepest dreams happening in regard to my grandma's recovery. It just punctuates the fact that I need to continue what I was doing before I was called on to be this. It really is too bad I have no desire to be a caretaker or nurse or anything in my life. These are things I don't feel capable of living through- it's so hard just once...To do it daily? Think not. Boff.

I have so much talent, and there is an imbalance. People who are out there, with their neck out there; As much more talent as I perceive myself to have; I am left to my own opinion on that simply for my own lack of confronting the world with this fury. Oohh. I need to. Forreal, I believe. I need to be more consistent on that, and exerting the courage required to break through walls of eggshell, daily.


Blue Jam Tunes
Kismet Witstatic

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May 2019