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In Sleep

I really can't decide if I want to update here or on paper. The major issues with livejournal had an effect on my account. Honestly, I always felt like this website was safer than my hard drive, and even my paper diary. Something as innocuous as a glass of water could compromise both my hard drive, and diary. Still, I write so differently than I type. I make a lot more mistakes, leave a lot more unfinished sentences, make less sense, and more hilarious statements. I make extremely nerdy inside jokes with myself.

Among the steady stream of vivid nightmares I've been having; I just had the first of them, sincerely regarding Papa, while sleeping in his bedroom, in the same bed, in the very same spot he died on. It was really just a string of thoughts and feelings that were legitimate enough to have happen consciously between bouts of slumber. It began with a dream of being at this house; At his house, visiting. I made my way from the living room into the kitchen; My heart craving him. Yearning so badly to see his face; Part of my soul aware I was dreaming. I saw him for a moment, rolling cookie dough, smiling. He then vanished into thin air; Leaving me to miss him. I cried out; I wept. I described the feeling out loud to the chair he vanished from. How even though I know well: Logic and life dictate that I won't be seeing him for awhile, it does not influence my deep desire; The fact that my sense of home resides with him. I feel homeless. I want him to be in heaven. I want him to be free of his ailment, and I want him to have everything wonderful. Although this directly conflicts with my, also genuine, desire to have him with me here too, I do want that. I can't help myself from being an emotional hypocrite. I don't know if I really cried, or if it was just in my sleep. My eyes burned, my head pounded, and my nose was plugged. I guess I did really cry. I hope no one heard me! That would make me feel a little silly, even though we are all family here, and have all seen each other in embarrassing circumstances.
The freaking other day, The ATM ate my $20. How rude! I still have to fill out an ATM dispute form, but these stupid banks have no regard for my plans. This incident ruined the day's plans- to be resumed at an unknown time when my money is finally returned to me. I plan to visit the bank Monday to acquire the form. It made me break and cry my eyes out. Not simply because of the loss, but because of every tear I had been withholding since the last time I fell apart. My friend Apollo came to my rescue, and reminded me of some positive in my life. Too bad he had to leave before the bank opened; Actually, too bad I'm such a chicken. I can, should, and will go on this errand alone.


( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
May. 19th, 2013 05:12 am (UTC)
I'd recommend you keep a journal at Dreamwidth because it's more stable than LJ. I'd also recommend you lock your posts so they're friends-only.

Dreamwidth is just more reliable; of course if you write your diary on a local disk and back it up, that could work as well.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )


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