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I haven't wanted to write anything. There goes my secret new year's resolution; I was going to write every single day, even if I kept the entries private, or on paper. I have not done this. Not even a bit. I can't get any of my fountain pens to work- they're revolting against me. I have not wanted to explore my mind in the way that is required of the type of blog entries I make. I haven't been unhappy though. I finally feel like my life has worth- being my grandma's caretaker. Some things, I can tell; Are divinely planned. In order to be the best for her, I need to wear a watch. This totally combats my chronophobic tendencies to the tooth. I am constantly paranoid about what people say about me. Because my grandma has an IV feeding system that beeps when it clogs, and she cannot hear the beep; She opted to have a baby monitor set up- which allows me to hear everything throughout the entire house. This combats my paranoia of what people are saying- I can witness firsthand, nobody talking about me; Or, what they say when they mention me.

So I have honestly been really into this Jodi Arias case. It has been fascinating me because, before I knew the details of the crime, I could totally see myself in her. I don't sincerely see myself as capable of hurting someone to the degree that she hurt the man she killed though. The murder got brutal. I could however; See myself committing an act of spontaneous force that goes beyond what I intended, and inducing/resulting in the death of the recipient of said force. I see the potential for evil in me, and I pray for the strength and wisdom to avert from it.
One thing that astonishes me about Jodi Arias' case is that she claims to have planned to also commit suicide after murdering the Travis Alexander. I think that if it were me, suicide would be volumes easier than murder. I think of that book, "To Kill A Mockingbird". I think I would be forced to commit suicide if I ever did a thing as disgraceful as taking the life of someone else.

For my birthday, I secretly hoped to fit into my little black dress, although; I planned to wear my little fuchsia dress. I fulfilled that wish for myself. Bonnie and I went to Whispers for a little kareoke. The DJ made me very angry because he stopped my first song, he claims because the instrumental wasn't good enough, but I thought it was fine. He completely dashed my confidence with that. Hahah. You know that show "My name is Earl", the guy has a list of people he has wronged, and for his karma's benefit, he strives to rectify his actions.. I have a similar list of people who have made me feel less than beautiful in my life, particularly of the male descent. In school, lots of guys bullied me. That night in my little fuchsia dress; I crossed another one off my list. We'll call him Mr. Olive Long. He was very forceful, and my friend left me alone with him. I was still cognizant enough to combat his force. Couldn't call it rape, simply because I loved it. On all other counts, he was very forceful.

I remember a time I used to love finding myself alone. Right now, I am shamefully lonesome. I wish I could find that companionship I once had with myself, and with God. I seem to be stifling my life flow somewhys. Strange since I finally feel a sense of value in my life, and that's new. I matter to someone. I am doing a thing that makes a difference to the entire family; My grandma is our queen.

I have to stay in the bed Papa died in; In order to be close by for her. It brings everyone else comfort to sleep there, but I feel really uncomfortable. I feel terrible for this. I wish I felt comfort like the rest of the family does. I feel like flipping the mattress. I don't think anyone else would have done that.. I should still ask though. LOL.. would hate to flip it so the spot where he died is even closer than before. I bet my nightmares are from cheeto-puffs.


Blue Jam Tunes
Kismet Witstatic

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May 2019