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It's like a nauseated feeling I get, when it's been too long since I've blogged last. I have been trying to write in my paper diary, but damn it if handwriting doesn't fatigue my fingers like no other. My birthday is at 12:34 this morning, tonight. So dumb, I know; I wish more than anything that Mr. Deep Blue would talk to me. Why is it so hard for me to let go of him? I know exactly; It's because every time I convince myself that I made up the person he is in my fantasies, he gives me evidence to say that he really is that person. I didn't make him up, God did. I wonder why Mr. Gravity is so hung up on me. Probably just because I'm the only girl in the whole world who has ever rejected him.

I know I can let go of people. I've done it before. I've done it so easily. With DBlue, I get this nagging about every month or so, I feel so doomed that he'll never talk to me again and I can only appease it by reaching out to him. It makes me feel a lot better, but still rather doomed. :(. For now FOR NOW.
It's just that he went to Dubai; The other thing I am absolutely enamored with. I wish he would let me live vicariously through him, and tell me all about it. I don't regret where I am right now. One thing I can say for certain is that Dubai will be there when I get there. It will wait for me. My grandma may not necessarily be able to hang on as long. She needs and appreciates my presence more than anything; I need and cherish the opportunity to provide some form of support for her. I have wanted all my life, to be able to give back the level of love that she has consistently provided me. I will go to Dubai, and I will meet someone as amazing as is Deep blue. I know it. I am so fucking awesome and beautiful and it really is his loss if he won't talk to me. It just sucks because my heart aches so insatiably deep.


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May 2019