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Back into the World?

I guess none of us really realized that my grandma was unaware of the permanence of her colostomy bag. She asked when they were going to take it off, and my aunt had to inform her that they would not be removing it. This really thwarted her positive attitude. It completely breaks my heart. This whole situation is immensely frustrating. We had to convert a bedroom into a hospital room and she needs a wheel chair and a walker and a hospital bed and a commode. The thing that frustrates me most is that the initial hernia was not growing. While I can understand that it was painful and uncomfortable; She ultimately chose to have the first surgery because she believed it would increase her quality of life. She was walking and dancing and shopping and *I was the one struggling to keep up with her brisk pace*. This is fucking bullllshitttt. It just hurts. I was worried.I never told her that I was; She saw the expression on my face when I went to visit her in early feb- when I had that nightmare about her telling me that everything was blowing away, and Papa was calling her home. I wanted this to go well for her. I just feel so emotional and weak over all of this and I can't even fathom how she is feeling. I can see that face on her- where she tries to hide her disappointment and depression with a half smile. I don't like this prognosis for what this future will be. Seriously? She was dancing around the house the week before the surgery. I hate this so much. I just wish she decided not to have the first procedure.


Blue Jam Tunes
Kismet Witstatic

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May 2019