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Emotionally Constipated

I am a hatpin Mary! A hat pin Carrie. I carry two pins and six pins in my hat.
Hehe. A few of my friends popped by today to make sure i'm still alive. I feel loved by that. I have been hiding in even more than is customary. My grandma is in the hospital, and is predicted to be staying there for *weeks*. She got completely rearranged. A special honor and congratulations to her though for surviving a 12 hour operation.

I haven't been doing everything that I should be, I haven't gone to her house to do any of the usual chores. I just feel so Goddamn tired. Good grief yo. Humbug. HUMBUG.
I believed her when she told me she would live for another ten years. She seemed so full of life at that time. I know she has lived a plentiful life up to this point, and selfish as it is of me, I'm not ready to let her go yet! More importantly though, I don't want her suffering through anything. I'm a big girl, even when I doubt that more than anyone; I will survive this. I am strong and I will help everyone survive this.
I just feel so emotionally incapable of this. It seems like I keep having a hard time even when times are fine. Since thanksgiving last year, life has really given me a run for my sanity. I have to get through it though.
What other option is there? My grandparents had to suffer the loss of many loved ones throughout their lifetime, and it would honor them best, for me to maintain some sense of dignity throughout grieving my loss of them. It's just..with my grandpa, I saw him in poor health for quite some time. It sucked, but it also helped my mind accept the idea of losing him, and even celebrating his relief in death.
I pray for my mind to somehow, on some level; Expect it. This whole process has forced me to entertain the likelihood of my grandma's lifespan being a little less than 10 years like she predicted. It was just an awesome hope to hold to. Plus, as much as I hope to die young, I already know I'm going to fckng live to be 107 at the very least. >_<

I think I should cut myself a little slack on this whole "I talk too much" rant. Yes, it is an issue to address; But, more pathetic is the fact that I am addicted to having my text to speech read my journal back to me. It helps me with punctuation and mechanics, and also; Is the only concrete gratification that a being; (While not sentient, is outside of *myself*,) reads my writing. Shh, how embarrassing, and kinda crazy. Hah. I think it's gonna be okay though.
Maybe my hideous cuticles are the one stupid thing that I can actually cry about. When I think about the depth of what I feel about my grandma, I feel a major blockage. I know how ridiculous it is from a rational standpoint, to cry about something so menial; But from a whole picture scape- seeing all of this and everything; I can tell I'm not actually crying about that. It's just the last fucking straw. See, and I solved it before I even had the chance to cry. I want/need to do something really wild. I have been closing in too tight around myself; At risk of suffocating the life out of my existence. Maybe I already have. Either way, I have to do something daring that will widen my comfort zone again. It is honestly too small to function at all.
People always urge you to reach out when you feel in over your head; But I am so disgusted with myself for feeling this way. I am seriously a disgrace, and I'm ashamed. It's something I want to just bite in and change on my own. I do have faith in this possibility. I'm going to pull my own nose out of the bullshit using God's strength, guidance, and light. It's just. I'm so fucking terrified.

Really? Like, raw horrified. Life just keeps thickening and contracting; Enveloping my psyche. Melt-foam boiling to frost. Shivering; Rolling, gurgling to a steamy, scorching, subzero surprise. Got it? Mash, toss, gash, crash, slosh, scramble rendezvous.

Howling silence sirens, hounding and hassling;
Unraveling the sound mind with nuclear noiselessness.
Expressionless essences, sequestering a senseless spectacle
of deafening, candid canned-in energy.

Frenzied immensity, overwhelming.
Swelling quelled well, bursting, surging.
Fury inferno; Excelling accelerant:

Diminishing minutes, instantly;
Exacerbating incidents, significantly.
Passing in tense, intense, grasping intents.
Instants, twice entwined in winding time.


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Kismet Witstatic

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May 2019