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I am extremely critical of my writing. I try to be much harsher on my work than any other person would be. I have very high standards, and I am more than willing to be upfront with myself, even when I crush my spirits. Because of this; I know I am an amazing writer. I don't give up on even a journal entry until it leaves me mystified.

The inconsistency comes where I have lost the confidence required to make submissions to be considered for publishing. Even after being rejected several times in the past, I maintained my resolve to continue on, knowing that I have what it takes; Because my friends were supportive of me, and excited for me to share new stuff.
Deep Blue seems like he would be happier with this world if I would drop off of it. I'm sure he wouldn't split hairs over whether or not I continued to exist, as long as I cease to influence *his* existence. I felt welcome and encouraged to share stuff with him because he said he enjoyed reading the first few things. *I totally know I went overboard*, I was recovering from the same excess with PursuAsian. I was suffering from a very intense seclusion. So alone; Too alone. I thought he was my friend; Both of them. I can't seem to make new friends. I am super good at keeping old ones though. Most of the time. I purged a lot of contacts in 2011. Too alone in 2012, and still too alone somehow, now.
I need to build the confidence to keep on with my dreams. This is bullshit.
I write a lot more than before. I don't expect my friends to be around applauding every little thing. I just want it occasionally.


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May 2019