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I guess I'd like to say I have myself all figured out, or that I really don't care to specify; But neither of these things are true. Something true? I love the smell of V. Mm.

I am so angry right now. I feel so couped up in my situation and I really wish it would be easier for me to change it. I am working on it though, I have a plan, and I am learning that being a court reporter, or closed captioner will offer me plenty of chances to travel! Not as many as a flight attendant obviously, but enough to satisfy my desire.

I felt that I could confide in my mom more than I am discovering, I should. She gets angry with me over information that I willingly volunteer to her. If I hadn't decided to tell her these things, she would never have known. I feel like in those circumstances, she should be more understanding of this, and willing to dismiss things that upset her in priority of our openness.

I feel all butthurt about stuff that shouldn't bother me, like not being invited to things that I probably wouldn't attend anyhow. Like not being where I think I should be in my life right now. I'm just so irritated and upset. I'm feeling rushed by myself. I WANT TO HURRY THE FUCK OUT OF THIS FUCKING CONDEMNED SITUATION RIGHT NOW!!! RIGHT NOWWWWW.

I was going to talk about my love for words, but instead I snapped in anger at everything around me, and maybe I should save the title for when it fits the entry better, but fuck it.

I just wish I could have a day where I wake up happy and excited, and get to STAY THAT WAY.... EVERY FUCKING DAY, something always knocks me down. The day that I wake up, and think to myself,
"I finally feel okay!", SOMETHING PULLS ME BACK INTO THE UNDERTOW. I am so sick of struggling to keep my head above water in a constant losing battle, I am so sick of drowning, of doubting, of struggling. This even sounds wrong, it sounds like I am giving way too much of my power away. I am so ready to be successful, and happy, and okay again. I AM READY. PLEASE GOD, Show me the way to 'OKAY'; Maybe even better than where I've been? I'm ready to give it all to You. I don't feel strong enough to emote another inferno of burning lava tears yet. I know, in hope, tomorrows consist of great joys, and profound sorrows. Let me trust You as much as I should, otherwise I will give into my doubt and stay in bed. I know You gave me everything I should need in order to make it through, but there are so many days; More days than I'm comfortable to admit, I feel incapable of everything. I know I am blessed in ways I won't even be aware of in this lifetime; Ways I should be thankful to You, that I am incapable of comprehending. Nonetheless, I thank You with all that I am.

chillax, breathe; Continue:
This is My safe place to be honest and real with my emotions. I might come off as whiny or fragile, I don't care. I have more of a chance to overcome it if I can allow myself to express it. Once I type it out through my fingers, or with a pen...Once I get it out, it seems that I am in some way; Liberated.

I really do need to take a moment to write in my paper diary because there are so many things that are damn near impossible to write out even there, in scratchy cursive; Illegibly looped in the name of secrecy, let alone fathom writing it here. Even knowing that no one really cares, what could they do to me? Make a horrified face behind their computer screen, which I will never see? Leave a nasty comment to try and hurt me, which I won't even feel need to delete; I'd just leave it there and let it flatter me. Hmm, still. I don't know exactly why, but some things are better explored in privacy. I am an obsessive list maker, and I haven't even done that with my usual intensity in awhile. Lists; That reminds me, my books came! They are a little daunting because I'm not sure where to begin, but they are so awesome because they are primarily comprised of lists! One more thing that's already my shit! I'm so into lists! My diary is full of graph paper and I write all different directions all crazy different types of lists. Things to do, words to use, ideas, people, numbers, rhythmic postulation. I do declare, I dig it.

There are so many things this digital online public journal has helped me with. To begin, it gives me a place to go when I *do* want to be heard. Even if i'm not, the fact that I am spreading my expression into the public domain: At least gives me the possibility, and the illusion of being heard. It also helps me organize my thoughts a lot more efficiently. I've had this livejournal for so long, wow; Since I was 13 years old. I make an effort to title my journal entries a lot better than I title my personal documents. I get very angry with myself over the ridiculous titles of my files. It's damn near hopeless for me to find something without opening fucking everything. With this journal, instead of starting a whole new entry, I return to past entries to finish lingering ideas, unless they're independent enough to stand on a peg of singular reference. Not to mention, I have one major go-to source to look for my writings. It started to get really confusing to find some of the stuff I did on papers. Papers are the bane, and the fruit of my existence. Confounded bullshit looping motherfucking papers. I need to liberate myself from them.
The fact that these files are stored on the internet offers me three distinct advantages: First, it allows me to access my content from anywhere via any internet capable device. Due to this freedom/luxury, I have been able to break free from my compulsion to carry like six giant purses everwyhere. It was completely out of hand! Secondly, the content is a lot safer than if it were only on my hard drive. This journal has outlived 6 hard drives! The last advantage!? To break free from paper hell! PAPER HELL! Paper can stay trees. I love trees!! I climb trees, and I hug trees and harvest fruit from them, and let my dog pee on them. Awe, Trees. I'd give up every article, even the most sentimental of my papers if i could turn them back into trees. I wonder how many forests, my family's aggregate paper collection, could recreate. Seriously, it's that fucking much paper.


Blue Jam Tunes
Kismet Witstatic

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