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Godlike Scandal

This concept seems really strange because it *is* freking weird. The most obscure fact of the matter though; is how absolutely common, or even universal it is.

I cannot walk the line between arrogance and self loathe

I really enjoyed this song.It totally lifted my spirits. Today I was going to include an embedded video of  Gary Jules', "Mad world", but instead, I wil;l choose this song. One thing is that I only heard the last part of the song when I already decided I likes it. I liked my own interpretation of it much better than when I heard the whole thing. I feel the absolute coolest in clothes from my grandma; That either she has given me, I have borrowed, or have specially asked her for. Recently; Also my grandpa's clothes. I took this blue blue crazy awesome shirt he always wore toward the end days...I took it because it was what he was wearing when he told me about his plans to travel mars, and the stars made completely of diamonds and precious gems as he journeyed from mortality, through death and into eternity. I took the shirt because the pattern on it resembled the pattern on my very favorite old handkerchief from my grandma's whole collection. Somehow, even before I asked her to tell me; I knew it belonged to him, and it's probably the only one of at least a hundred handkerchiefs to be his. I could sense his essence on it, and I was right about it too. Somehow, crying with his hanky helped me to process the experience of losing him. It always seems unnatural to throw away an old crumpled tissue after I've cried into it. I feel like I've shared a special moment with it, and discarding it seems wrong. I won't allow myself to hold onto it though, It's not a behavior I could feasibly maintain. Because of this; A hanky is ideal for me. Also, because of it's uniqueness, My mind was able to use it as a way to connect each of the times I cried with it over Papa, together. Something about this improved the way i processed the whole situation. I cried on November 16th when I saw him, and I just knew. I drove miles away from home just because he always seems to know what's going on with me; I hoped that my distance would muddle his connection to me and mask his perception of the depth of my pain. knowing hurt, but I also appreciated it. It allowed me to maximize my moments with him, not feeding the delusion that we would have "some other time".

I have so many things I want to remember to talk about lol...
Back to the arrogance thing.. Sometimes, I just fucking *KNOW* I I have so much raw talent, that the only reason I am not famous for it, is because I choose not to be. Because I give into the shyness and allow it to isolate me, rather than giving into the imperfection of true beauty. The unscripted rawness of expression from someone who is genuine.
HSHI really dont like a lot of things by artists that are admired and well known for their artistic talent. That inspires me so much because if they can still make it, even after I don't like them; It means I can make it too, already considering the probable odds stacked against me, Also, I hate to say it this way, but in some of those examples, I feel as though their music sounds like being in a crowded stadium of clamorous racket; Meanwhile, I actually perceive myself as having talent.

When my friend shared something with me about himself, that he only pursued a relationship with a specific person because he had been informed that she was interested in him already. He was afraid of rejection, so through knowing this, he was protected from it....
Later I began to develop an attraction for him, but I wanted to make sure to keep it a secret from him because I didn't want him to forge a reciprocation based on his perceived safety with me. If ever he were to express an interest in me, I wanted him not to feel safe about it at all. I wanted him to be interested in me only because of his own interest, and not because of any comfort increasing factors and influences. Now that my sister blabbed to him about my crush on him, I am not as interested. I am not as willing to be interested, rather...He makes certain comments that lead me to believe he is unaware of how beautiful I am. Today he said he never noticed how clear my face is, like from acne... Like he didn't realize that my face has never been covered in acne? I think inner beauty plays a crucial role to attraction, but I agree with my sister. Sometimes getting complemented regarding inner beauty leads a persin to wonder if their someone is avoiding telling you how they feel about your outer appearance, or
Like, after a loved one has served pasta; One complements the texture of the noodles and the color of the spaghetti sauce when one has nothing kind to mention about it's taste. I love how understood I feel by him, and how well I feel I understand him...I can see myself in him in so many ways, but at the same time Iam extremely apprehensive of being regarded as a 'safe chase' with a lot of nice....inner beauty.qur===

of course, I dodn't initially take any of these things in as negatively as I have just conveyed them. It is afterthought and scrutinizing the meaning of every twitch and rattle of every single moment. How can I continue to exert the energy ti feed this curiosity?

On me....I doooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooplified seems to appear as panic, and/or even convert into paranoia.e

ADD break:

"Take a chance on me"...tee hee. I thought at first this song was playing from me to Dblue. All I could think about that was,
"Damn, that is pathetic as hell." Buy then I started thinking about all the things I've been learning about myself and the things I do lately; What I previously defined him as, is my displaced sense of exertion; Instantly it transformed from pathetic to prophetic!! bawhaha, the song softened, and okays first from me to myself...From the self who is in love with love, and dares to dream, embraces creativity and isn't afraid to let uniqueness become peculiar; The self who doesn't let dreams decay; Never even puts them in the refrigerator- just cooks them up fresh, and serves them hot without ever finding spoiled leftovers:

To the self who is terrified to trust in her own dreams, who has never actually tasted a steaming hot dream; Only ice dreams, frozen in fears, procrastinations, anxieties, attempts to protect oneself, inability to forgive self for failure; Or trust the universe to be approachable even though Its not really abandon-able.. Only abominable ...*awkward face*

And ultimately; Simultaneously, the song plays from God to me; Representing the magnitude of how completely I can depend on Him. With God? One doesn't "fall in love", you FLY in love, because God takes you higher than any other love is capable of reaching, Enfolds you into cozy holiness, and won't EVER let go.



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