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Ambiguity

I feel so ridiculous and emotional and hateful. I don't want to hate. It makes me cry, the way I hate. Why is love so simple for others to happen upon, and it's like pulling teeth for me to even keep a friend? Am I unlovable? What is so fucking terrible? Why is it so hard to imagine loving me? Usually I find it easy to do- but right now, maybe I see what it is that makes me so repelling. I just wish I could escape from myself. I just wish I could melt into someone's arms and feel safe. Why do I have to be alone?

Sometimes i can understand and respect it. I imagine myself having many issues with a breakup if I had someone through this time. I would equate their presence with my ability to survive. I can't do that now because there is no pattern of presence to correlate with.

At the same time, I just... ugh. I really want to die. I really do.
I can't leave behind such a mess. I could never leave anyone with this mess, I have to do everything I can to clean it up before i leave here.

Comments

wrecktangle
Feb. 6th, 2013 01:43 pm (UTC)
Hide!? Masking pain and decay is never ever a good thing. Either you shine light on it, becoming more familiar with it, which leads you to either cleaning it away, or understand what is valuable about it? But hiding is like what i did last year with my tooth- on some real shit all the way from
Feb to aug

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