I feel so ridiculous and emotional and hateful. I don't want to hate. It makes me cry, the way I hate. Why is love so simple for others to happen upon, and it's like pulling teeth for me to even keep a friend? Am I unlovable? What is so fucking terrible? Why is it so hard to imagine loving me? Usually I find it easy to do- but right now, maybe I see what it is that makes me so repelling. I just wish I could escape from myself. I just wish I could melt into someone's arms and feel safe. Why do I have to be alone?
Sometimes i can understand and respect it. I imagine myself having many issues with a breakup if I had someone through this time. I would equate their presence with my ability to survive. I can't do that now because there is no pattern of presence to correlate with.
At the same time, I just... ugh. I really want to die. I really do. I can't leave behind such a mess. I could never leave anyone with this mess, I have to do everything I can to clean it up before i leave here.