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I am so depressed. I feel like giving up sometimes; Like no one cares, or ever will. I know how pathetic this sounds, which is why I had to put an end to it but: I would have waited forever for Mr. Deep Blue. I would have. How ridiculous is that?
It's not so insane if I thoroughly evaluate it.

Pema Chodron describes the concept of 'exertion,"like waking up on a cold snowy day in a cabin mountain ready to go for a walk but knowing that first you have to get out of bed and make a fire. You'd rather stay cozy in that bed, but you jump out and make the fire because the brightness of the day in front of you is bigger than staying in bed."

That; I think, is what I felt attached to within DBlue. He represents this concept to me. He makes me remember the feeling of 'exertion' so vividly, yet still I lack the courage to seek it out in myself again. So many things discourage me. I am too easily disheartened. This is absurd, because any person who is stubborn enough to starve in America, is capable of anything.

If you hand me a ladder, I will climb to the sky.
Tell me I can't?
Stack those odds against me, and I'll climb on top of that.
It doesn't seem completely stupid of me to pour kerosine on my sensation of exertion. Only a displacement of the source of this perception. It seemed so long since I had experienced even a glimpse of exertion.

I could sleep forever. Sleep is a perfect feeling.
Me, in the mountains; Like in Pema's metaphor?
I would let the warmth of the sun shine on my face, and I would sleep in the cabin;
Dream of a walk.

That is sadly, but truly what I would do.

I need to stop acting, and feeling so rusted.
I used to love to chase the moon, knowing I could never catch up.
Challenging impossibility with an invincible stubbornness.
My me; I miss you.


Blue Jam Tunes
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