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I was here

When I was 15 years old, I was an idiot. I did something which I am very ashamed of today: I attempted suicide.

I am ashamed because,in doing this; I didn't consider the interests of my family; While they examined my situation with such profound empathy; They identified with the pain I felt while I didn't think of them at all. I was disloyal to God's plan. I gave so much of my heart into a person who obviously shouldn't be important to me, I dreaded things that are to be feared far less than death, I not only attempted to give up on myself; I momentarily rejected all the love that my family had invested in me; All the work they put into giving me a beautiful life, and I failed to appreciate the blessings which were lain before me.

I am fortunate to have been given the chance to realize these things before it was too late for me to express them to my family. I benefit from having a family who continues to invest their love in me after my despicable (attempted) betrayal of them. It is an advantage that I now realize, how shameful my behavior was. I am so lucky to be able to atone for this sin; To earn the forgiveness I would have been given either way. Suicide is a conglomerate of failure if it is carried out incorrectly.

To correctly commit suicide, is to only kill the part of oneself that holds one back from living fully. To succeed in suicide, one must remain physically alive; To transcend the ideas which contributed to one's despair.
Dear Imprint,
You surprised the hell out of me. You are one of the last people I would ever peg to be violent. You didn't even spank your children. You didn't own a weapon, and if anyone ever tried to assault you while I was with you, I would have made an effort to protect you. Not that I felt any bit stronger than you, just maybe braver. Actually, it's because I would be far more willing to risk my wellbeing, than to let anything cause those girls to cry; Especially the type of tears resulting from this terrible, horrible actuality.
(How do I kick the ass of this? I kick the ass of whatsoever dare make them cry)

It pains me that you were unable to realize some of these important things while you had the chance to change your mind. To live for the ones you wound up leaving behind in this. I don't doubt that you've been absolved. I don't wonder whether you've made it to heaven. I know you're in heaven.

I also know that I would rather be in a lake of flames with my shame, than to face my father God after having done something so abhorrent.. I felt such immense shame to look upon the face of my Papa, while being unsuccessful in what I had attempted. I can't imagine the magnitude of how profoundly that shame is magnified, to face my heavenly father, after successfully consigning the gift I once owned rightfully through Him. I can only hope that the enlightenment you receive through this humbling experience, is proportionally intensified.

It is flabbergasting to see the level of empathy and understanding that everyone approaches you with, when I cannot seem to identify with either you, or the self I was, when I tried to do what you just did. If I could go back in time, I would kick the person I was; I would kick her in the side of her head for being such a fucking ignorant loser. I'm afraid to understand her. I'm afraid to understand you; Because, I feel it might entail being in that mind state once again. I pray that I am never in a comparable state.

I never realized how understanding a family could be, in the face of utter abandonment. I am blessed to have been given the chance to not abandon my family. It didn't occur to me, just how empathetic my family was toward me, until I witnessed them all approach your case this way.

You never realized the true magnitude of your significance here. I am sorrowful for that. I will sing at your funeral. This gives me a moment to express to you, that you impacted my life too. To represent your voice, and the fact that you've been saved. The only difference between you and I, is that I was blessed with the opportunity to sing to represent you; And every wretch like me and you who have been saved by God's Amazing Grace.
I probably didn't even cross your mind at all while you arranged this- even though I saw you a day or two before you began planning. I know you hadn't begun to plan yet when I last saw you, because we wished you good luck on your impending interview. Also, if you were planning already; To see me in such turmoil over losing my grandfather, would have set off some alarms inside your heart. You may have begun to contemplate the colossal effect your loss would have on your family. Looking upon my face warped by misery, would have unconsciously reminded you of your daughters' imminent distress in reaction to this. Their happiness, or rather; Lack of utter despair, would have become paramount to you.

I regret never seeking your help with math. I don't think I ever gave you a hug; If I did, it was over ten years ago. I suspected how tender you were, awhile ago. Still, I had myself convinced you didn't' like me. It took too long for me to realize, it wasn't personal, what I picked up on; It was your own awkwardness: A trait I actually share with you. I'm sorry I didn't look you in the eyes for longer when I saw you. I'm sorry I didn't smile sincerely; Though I'm unsure if I could've at the time. You sat in Papa's chair, and from your feet to your calves, you resembled him- especially there, where he always was. Instead of paying you the level of attention you deserved, I pretended you were Papa; To pretend he was still alive for just one more moment. Little did I know: In doing so, I missed out on my last moment to see you living. I could have at least told you how much you looked like Papa in his chair. Maybe you would've smiled. Maybe that would've been enough for you to surmise a better conclusion.

On Prayers
-Why prayers aren't answered.
Sometimes the answer to ones prayers, is simply delayed, for whatever reason, and If given the chance, would rise to fruition. Sometimes it's a matter of phrasing, or, a lack of one's understanding imperative details in regard to one's situation. One's prayer would be provided if one simply realized something that sits in one's direct line of sight.

It is certain that one's prayer isn't going unanswered because of a lack on God's part.

Sometimes one's prayers have been yielded before having been uttered, and it's of one's insufficiency in acknowledging the way it was bestowed. Sometimes a prayer is endowed in the least desirable way: In application of prayer to self; Like when I prayed for my grandpa to live longer, but included the importance of his vigor and my desire for him not to deteriorate. My prayer was specifically afforded with pertinence to his affliction. It was more important to me that he be relieved of suffering, even by death, than to keep him here; Trapped in his misery. He aided me to live a life as pain-free as he could dictate, and for that; I could only want for him to be granted God';s mercy


( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
Jan. 6th, 2013 09:15 pm (UTC)
When you told me your story, I was picturing it like a movie theatre. Picturing events is how I'm able to get a better idea of what people are saying. When I heard your story, I was overwhelmed with so much emotion. As I read this, the same effect takes place. I can say that a people I knew drifted off the cliff that is suicide not having a second thought about how their love ones may feel. When it comes to suicide I'am on the outside looking in, however, I can understand what it means to slowly slip towards oblivion.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )


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