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Ten deep breaths

Y0u popped into my head today, in order to try and calm me down as I proceeded to have a panic attack. I was on the interstate; Headed to the airport to pick muy uncle up. My heartbeat likes to mimic things, and my windshield blades only work on the highest setting. My wiper fluid was completely frozen, and people kept splashing muck right on my eye-outs. It was about that moment, I also realized I didn't have my phone at all. I thought it was so important to make sure it was charged; I left it on the charger.

All the signs were coming up, turn here, whirl there- Take off to teh left, landing on the right, park here. I should park, right? That way I can go look at the big sign inside! Erm, Uhm.... I can't fucking see anything at ALL, AAAH!!!!! OMG WTF OMG WTF OMGWID? WHAT DO I DO! I can't stop in a random place on a freeway so WHAT DO I DO!? I would have been able to handle the situation more adequately if I had only one of these problems; Had I simply forgotten my phone, or if my windshield malfunctioned, but I still knew where I was going...all together it was an overload meltdown.
If he was at the place where landing passengers wait outside for their pickup arrangements?
I don't want him to just be standing outside in the yucky snow, Immersed in his frustration of trying to get a hold of me, exhaustion of traveling, and emotional vulnerability; This is his first day back home without his dad.. I know I got a tiny taste of how it feels to be away from home, and the whole circumstance just slAMed the hell out of me when I opened my eyes to my own memory filled walls. When you wake up somewhere unfamiliar; the scenery reminds you of the situation before your common sense catches up with your heart when you open your eyes. Your own walls are home walls, and represent every aspect of what you consider 'home' to be. When a part of that home is missing, it would seem more right to find parts of your walls gone too.

Dear God, I hoard bottled water in this van. Could you help one roll into my hand, so I can reach out and dump it on mu windshield? PLEASE PLEASE!! NOOOO! fk. I went around that circle more than twice, get out of the airport- Go back to the airport. That's when my imagination slipped you into the passenger seat- You sternly look over at me and tell me to take ten slow, deep breaths: Otherwise, you're going to spank me. This shocks us both a bit. You hide a guilty smirk. It satisfies you to enforce my best interests, but; Spanking me is enjoyable for you as well. You secretly wonder which outcome you desire greater,and quickly forgive yourself as you glance into my horrified eyes, instantly realizing how strongly you just want to calm me.

I still haven't done my first deep breath. I am stuck in a hyperventilation subterfuge. You almostt grab my hand, but I am moving so sporadically, I take it back from you before you can. I look at you; In the way that you know I'm on the surface, and am not peering at you from inside my distant, muddled mind. I take one deep breath. Only one, before I resume the panic. You feel trapped with me. Irritated that you can't just yank me across your lap to fulfill your promise to me. When we are finally parked, I bend down in my seat, my panic intensifies. When we're finally through that, and inside, you feel so proud of me. You decide you might not spank me after all. If you can get those ten deep breaths from me, on principle of course.

I tried so many times, and today I actually realized it seems impossible to take ten deep breaths in those times.

Fast forward to me slipping on the ice (in real life) and bashing my head SO HARD, SO HARD. Maybe to substitute for that spanking I deserve.

I know you're not 'you' anymore. You play a role now. You're a mix of perfect, with a legitimate foundation of my real admiration.


Dec. 31st, 2012 09:31 pm (UTC)
Wow thats vivid. I don't think I go through such things unless I'm asleep or if I'm on a new journey somewhere like a trip to the Sand Dunes


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