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let them flow

I asked my Papa how he's doing today. he has been sick. it is really hard to hear. he says he can barely walk, and that it's a struggle for him to make it to the bathroom. I don't want him to be in so much struggle. I cried as he told me these things. I dont think he saw; I didn't want him to see. I know how upset it makes him to see me cry. I feel so selfish, but I'm being honest, I still don't want him to go. obviously. I want him to get better. I know they said he won't fully recover or anything but I want him to at least be as good as he was last week. this week, it's so much worse.
I just look at how pretty his eyes are with life in them... The way he looks at me, and everyone he loves. I don't know how this world can possibly be a home to me, without him. He is the one who raised me. My mom worked so hard to afford to support me, but I spent every day with him.
I can tell he's my dad, because they say every little girl falls in love with their dad, and wants to marry him. Even though it was made clear to me that he is my grandfarther; In my heart of hearts, he has always been my daddy. Everyone says, including him, that no one in this world knows him better than I do. It's mutual because he's the one who made me who I am. LOL, he micromanages EVERYONE around him, but he doesn't have to do that with me because he micro-raised me.
I want him to be there to give me away at my wedding
I want him to see me graduate; I graduated high school, but I didn't walk. Why? UGH, I'm a dumbfuck. :(. I graduated one quarter late. It was still 2006, but yeah, I was all hung up on not wanting to walk with the wrong class or whatever, but really, I probably wouldn't
have recognized any of the fuckers around me either way. Growing up, right? Bittersweet indeed. =\ I wish I could just do something more before he goes, so he knows he didn't do wrong with me; So he knows I'm not a waste. I'm pretty sure he doesn't think that, but I do...
I do.

I really want to figure myself out, like.. I push people away, and I purposfully seek out unavailable people. I know it makes me feel safe. I guess, kind of like why I purposefully failed things in middle, and high school. I don't want to give them my best, and still get an F. As long as I knew I was doing a shitty job, a bad grade wouldn't break my heart.


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May 2019