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so I guess I'm cynical.. scratch that, I know I am. When I was younger; fatter, I saw hitch. I thought it would be really cool to be cynical like eva mendez's character, because I had too much hope back then, and I thought it would be nice to finally be proven wrong int he opposite way.
I'm fearfully cynical.

DBlue, why do I like you? I think it starts with the fact that you're too far away for me to screw it up. Either you'll accept me, or reject me. Either way, you're too far away to touch me. I've never had a problem with fantasies, I'm good at that. It's reality I struggle with. The difference is, I would be willing to risk breaking the porcelain. Either it shatters, or it becomes crystalized, and we say fuck the toilet and get a castle.
You made me feel whole again. You don't know how depressed I've been. You inspire me and reminnd me about that pesky little thing called 'hope' that has the power to get me out of bed before the sun goes down. I remember everything you said, but I wish I could hear you say it again. I wish I could get you to record it on my journal.. About looking in the mirror and facing your fears every day. I need to do that, and it's clear to me I can't do it alone. I'm not alone here, but I'm too ashamed to let anyone know how I really am. I just... you pushed me. I need to be pushed.
I don't think I was mean to you. I agree, I was too chatty. I think there reallyy must be something wrong with me. Why does everyone abandon me? I'm not even exaggerating. It would be easier if you motherfuckers would at least tell me goodbye.Maybe, explain why the fuck you're abandoning me. Know, it's not okay. I'm not okay. Apparently, that's fine with you. Just as well. I can accept that it wasn't a selfless decision for you to stop talking to me. I guess it is a little wrong for me to be so moved by you. It hurts. Not as much as the prospect of losing my Papa. I wish you would tell me what to do. You always have the perfect thing to say, and only you.
Maybe I'm a little glad you're far away. I don't know if it would be safe for me to fantasize about you if you were nearby.
You always kiss my forehead when you come inside. You are so confident, even though I'm so apprehensive and afraid; You already know I'll not only enjoy you, I'll come to crave you; Beg you to, and I do. I feel your heat and I melt into you. You don't mind holding me with your heart when I cry, knowing how freaking turned on crying makes me. You put me over your knee, and when you ask me how it feels to be there, I say it feels just right, which catches you by surprise. You return the shock with a kiss to my lower back... You know I'm good at math. Not as good as you, but for the dumbest emotional reasons. You hold me, and whisper questions in my ear, and when I finally get hung up on one you know I should be able to solve, because it's easier than the last ones I didn't even have to think so hard about... You squeeze me and I cry, which translatess into raw passion.
I bet none of this would ever happen. Not because of you, but me. My fantasies are the only thing I really enjoy. I've...it's... I... probably.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.



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