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to a new friend

I really don't have friends (anymore/yet) because - this pushing myself to share is new and hard. I can somewhat forgive myself because the things I didn't share in the past are still written in my diary- but, the reason I have no life is because i am so scared... I'm scared of being 'the pointed man' (a point in too many directions is the same as having no point at all), scared of being the tree that bears no fruit- I am scared of losing the option to spend my day alone. I am scared of being important- I am not really scared of failing due to lack of ability- but that fail due to this fear. I feel like i don't belong.

The big human question is also the question I have for myself; what is really holding me back, laziness,or fear? it starts as a legitimate fear based off experience, that continues to be justified by more experience...

It sort of reminds me of that part of Astronomy- the space chemical slowly changes its compound, and at half life, (blah blah... I could not
get a tutor and I ended up dropping that class so I can't accurately fill in this blahnk) I discover that my fear has transformed into pure laziness

Which is when I start to worry all over again... Sometimes the simple realization to have hope hurts so much that procrastinate on hoping.

Which sounds tragic even when I don't put it to words

It's like, I feel skeptical, and betrayed by hope- even though I know it's not to blame.

To have hope; is to look at the joy of others, or the love of lovers; and see possibility... To have hope is to keep trusting God...

He has given me so many reasons to trust Him

A family member gave me this adorable pin to wear, with a little card that explains that a heart that belongs to God is the heart of a survivor. I never wore it because it was just too cool to risk losing. I decided to put it on today- but between the card and my hands- I lost it immediately...
Kinda silly.:. I know it will pop up really soon.
But it still really hurts my feelings.

I'm alive- but do you call this surviving? Or sliding by?

I do tarot cards from Osho- the way they describe the fool- it seems inconceivable. The only time I was actually able to behave as the fool- I still haven't processed any of my emotions- so it seems there is still much to understand about that.

I can see the resource that the fool consists on- I can understand the fool's motive to keep on allowing the world to penetrate their existence...

I am just so hurt- I can't possibly imagine putting myself back out there to get hurt again. Even though I can also admit that this particular hurt has granted me more wisdom than I have ever known...
Throughout the course of a day, I am still so emotional... Like my heart is attached to me by a string, while it is sitting between the teeth of a lion... And I wonder what level of hurt comes after this? What do I even have left to rip out?

I still observe love and joy as hopefully as I possibly can. I just dont feel ready for such possibilities. And I fear that I may never be...


Blue Jam Tunes
Kismet Witstatic

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May 2019