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Secrets into le Deep Blue

Through different lenses of experience, one concept takes many forms. One idea splits in two and travels down opposing avenues; And one person isn't that person through and through, and even though they have the same face, there is no resemblance.
-seeing several perspectives through one eye, and still unable to identify with the eye beside it.

Facts and origins become irrelevant because they don't dictate the sensations, only cognition of them...
and the senses form circles too, like burning cold, or freezing hot, so i suppose i can accept that, and thats okay too... But I don't know if thats okay?

Like so, i always imagine the same type of scenario, (of someone spanking me beyond the point uncontrollable weeping, and the idea of me crying, in that feeling, i climax, and it disturbs me to admit how much it includes that crying;
bringing it back to just enjoying the idea of someone hurting me, i can't understand why, or what part of me wants that even though i can understand where it came from, i guess.. (?)

It makes me wonder if i hate myself? Hmm i don't think i do, but i can't say, because, like- i cant enjoy the idea of any one else in pain like that, even if they hurt me worse, i wouldn't like to hurt them... Hmmmm I don't know I know it was a part of me while i was a baby, i can remember. I can remember so much, and I remember being this way before anything defining- good or bad, happen yet.
The idea of allowing myself to be that vulnerable is disgusting. I just couldn't . I didn't feel disgusted by that vulnerability when i was a baby because my trust was never broken.
I remember unscrewing scalding light-bulbs from lamps with my bare hands- i had to be younger than 5 because of where we lived. I know i wasn't upset or sad or anything. I just really like(d) the purple orange burning.
Because of all this, i stay away from touching, even letting fingers brush against another hand, touch. It has been so long since i had a real hug- not one of those social expectation hugs, but like, a 'just because', hug.
The "you" in this piece below, doesn't actually exist. It seems to relate to the whole crying fascination, maybe even bringing me back to the realm of 'normal'. I don't know if it does relate though because i still don't really understand it... ?

You are laying on your back, with your arms wrapped loosely around me; My head is on your chest, both of my legs, twisted around your left leg. You run your fingers along my arms- searching for my hands. You find two wrenched of knuckles knotted around themselves- tangled tightly in tension, with no intent to release on their own.
You begin to work your thumbs in between my knots until you access my palms; Which you proceed to squeeze- Firmly pressing your thumbs into them, while you cradle my hands in your outer fingers. Only then, does my grip even begin to loosen; Though, you feel it pulsing, trying to clench again. You whisper into my ear,
"Relax, you can let go."
"I can't let go... Or I'll fall apart." i rebut.
"I've got you. I will keep you safe; You can let go, it's okay"

You squeeze me with your whole body,
"Relax", you say.

I sob into you. My whole body convulses through waves of weeping. My eyes soak through your shirt.
I begin to tighten together again- resisting your hug; I'm afraid to overwhelm you, i don't want to repel you with my emotion.
" please let go, I promise you're safe". You say , as you overpower me with your embrace
"I'm here", you repeatedly whisper in my ear.
I stop trying so desperately to hold myself together. I let go- i give myself- my trust, to you. All throughout this storm, you are gently rocking me, continually soothing me with your words,
"I've got you. I'm here." until i am; We are sound asleep.


Kismet Witstatic

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