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the Truth about Mr Deep Blue

I've told you bits and pieces of stories of mine that coincide with you in my eyes. Events that defined your place in my heart. I know you prefer that I didn't share every single detail, but I find myself regretting it. I feel like if I had shared a more complete story, you wouldn't have felt the need to run away. This is silly, I know.
The thing is, you made me feel so high. You spoke to me just after the theater shooting right by my house. I was at such a low point, I had abandoned my conviction of ever reaching a place where I would consider myself 'okay', mere moments before you appeared;
"Call your mom", you commented on my facebook post. The post that cried out for some hope. I sent a copy of the same message to you, and to Ben. I've talked to Ben since I was in 7th grade. I never let him know who I was, or that I knew him.
I know, I'm a creeper. It's kind of alright with me.
I never expect a response from Ben. I never expected a response from you.
The fact that you did respond

It meant the world to me.
Not only did I feel okay; I felt happy.
So happy to be talking with you.
You who has provided me a constant supply of inspiration each time you interact with me.
You have always had a special place in my heart for that.
Associating with you makes me ambitious. It gives me the desire to pursue my *real* dreams.
The confidence to aspire to be more.
Why you?
Fuck if I know; You're an ass-face. A fascinating one though.

You wanted to read my essay. That touched my heart.
Nobody ever wants to read my writing. Sometimes I try to swindle my mom into reading an essay of mine by telling her I'm struggling with it somehow. It never really works. She refuses. I think she knows; I always get A's on every essay. Of course I don't actually need help!
You read my essay <3
You cared what I had to say.

You are so smart, I felt you understood me more than I felt with anyone around me.
I knew you were alone in your current circumstance.
I reached out to you- hoping to make us both feel less alone.
Believing that you understood me in a superior way.

I get it, I always overwhelm the person who captures my esteem. My excitement scares them away forever.

As I went to see how you've been; If you've updated, I saw, "Add Friend", where it used to say, "friends". I felt a little explosion inside myself; The demolition of all hope I had managed to grow, and your dejection of everything I am, in response to my admiration of all that you are.
I know I am so guilty of *bombarding* you.
I am.
I did the same thing to Mr PersuAsian; The last person who ignited sparks inside me.
I'll work on it.
As I pleaded and demanded that you return me to your friends list, that you return to mine;
I remembered how you gave me compliments and respect for my pursuit of you. I remembered the way you said you felt lucky to be the one I expressed my soul to.
What a pointed lie that was. I will never understand.

I simultaneously felt your side of this. If I were knocking on your door, you would be crouching down in your living room to evade my sights.
You hoped that if you stopped responding to my messages, I would fade away and leave you alone.
I told you I would send another friend request,
but when I went to do that, I saw the, "block", button.
I would be utterly destroyed if you blocked me; I couldn't stay vulnerable to that likelihood.
Instead of doing what I said,
I did what you wished I would do;
I disappeared.


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