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Food feels so foreign in my stomach. The pain of hunger feels so much better than the pain of an upset stomach. Everything I eat seems to make me feel unwell, not that I would want to eat anyway. I enjoyed eating once, but it made me disgusting. Now it makes me feel disgusting to eat.

I don't want to change that. There are so many misconceptions in my mind that force me to modify my beliefs, which intern changes the way I approach life, this is such a slimming approach, why would I want to complain?

People are calling me beautiful now. People who I don't even know! I was not as often looked at in the past as I am now, and i'm not sure how I feel about that.

I lost so much weight because I thought that it would help me want to be in love. I am in love with the idea of love, as well as terrified by it. A person needing another person...NEEDING another person. I catch myself doing it already..needing.. I hate it. I don't want to need anyone. I don't need anyone, some just tend to make life easier for ungiven reasons.

I couldn't imagine wanting someone to touch my body. It used to be because I was too disgusting, which I still feel quite a bit grotesque; however, I realized that the underlying reason i don't want to be touched is because I don't want to be hurt, I don't want to be overtaken, I don't want to say yes because I didn't get the chance to in the first, or second scenario. I kept screaming NO, but it doesn't matter what I say, and sometimes actions can't speak louder than words when the person on top of you is so much stronger.

I thought I felt so gross because I was so fat, which I still am. But now I feel like it's the other people who are gross. ALL of them, and they have no business with their hands on me. or any other part of their body for that matter.

I am a young adult in my prime, and I am hung up on finding love. When I finally resolve this matter, I will probably be a rasin. Just my luck...


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May 2019