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I’ve been starving to, “say”, for so long that I’m still hungry AF. They so all care for me but people didn’t listen and i let my own fervor build up until i had a world sized wall of words around me, and could see nothing but sky above me,

I don’t think it’s possible for me to reel myself back in, because once i let me out, it realized I don’t have enough inner space for so much mind material.

GOD. there is no such thing as a pregnant pause. They’re all running (around) the city

If I M not sending messages or sleeping.... worry a little? Just a little. If society wins this war, and shuts me from sharing myself.... its dunzo done. Like... I don’t want a self anymore dude

So I got a little bit crazy? But only in the sweetest ways. My life blew up in the span of 5 days, and I desperately found strands to climb, for stability. Distractions. Happiness? Smiles.... I know I was being an idiot, but only in the most clever of ways. As long as I feel this pain here, I can dissociate from that pain there. The immensity of it. Something I can’t quite fathom... I do know how to be infatuated, and obsessive. I know how to push people away with over fondness and adoration, so that I can have them instead to pine for; My obvious, apparent preference...

I just wish that foreseeing all this crap, and knowing, could actually serve for me to swerve divert it. I don’t enjoy this feeling more. It’s just a better fitting screen to cover the color of my emotion.

Hear me out

In an attempt to hack the area between disclosure and vulnerability, A super long time ago, I prayed for a very specific omen from OM, to indicate that I have encountered the ideal situation AND person, to become immeshed with

I do subscribe to the belief that we each have a number of potential soulmates.

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Rebrando

Mushrooms make Sporadic Sense

Rough drafts absolutely give me more satisfaction/excitement, than final projects do.

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Jell Hea!!!

My mom interrupts me a lot. A LOT a lot. Like wont let me finish a sentence. It actually causes me to feel that she, and many others- have absolutely no interest in knowing who I am; They just love me.

I fucking don’t know if thats even enough but, You know,? If no one is actually listening, why should I force the bestowal of my awesomeness upon them? I will not speak thee; Seek me to see me.

Ringing

She has a classic jazz voice that feels like it is calling me home to my roots. Vexing me, on the matter, that I have not been true. I want to stretch my range;- push my limits,-see how far I can go. But somehow, in that I have gone astray from what I really am, and maybe that's where I should explore now.

I don't make much of myself when I try to abide by standard circadian rhythms. Reversely, I don't always make the most of myself when I've been awake for too long. There is really no guarantee that I'll make anything of myself at all. Some days fly by behind my eyes. Man I don't blink twice.
My mind and body;-one is hungry, the other, lethargic. I can't tell which is what.- But one of them is feeling completely constrained by the other.

Hard and Soft

I've grown accustomed to talking to you every day. Since I've begun to confide in you, I've been updating my own journal less. Using you as my human diary. Maybe that's not such a good thing. After all, it only seems romantic because of that song by Tony Tony Tone.


You punish me, by not calling for days after we argue. One is understandable, but any more than that is excessive. You expect me to believe you suddenly feel completely different about me? I don't buy it. I just sent a letter out today, that explains that I apologize for letting my temper take over so quickly; I did not adequately express myself, due to being so flustered in the moment. For that, I was wrong. My essential point is still valid though. 


We both need to respect each others outlined limits. It places one on edge to surmise that at any given moment, the other person plans to bulldoze through one’s comfort zone. Does it not? I am also at fault for not thoroughly addressing this aspect of kink earlier. Respect is sexy. It fortifies trust, and trust is needed. Ultimately, though- limits are not very sexy to discuss. I’d ideally like to trust you without realizing this, and you be deserving of my trust.
OR (more ideally)
Distrust you superficially. Maybe you do things to feed this delicious ambiguity, such as pretending to pay less attention to my cries and struggling when you spank me, by being less reactive towards it- Maybe you used to acknowledge it, and begin to cool down from that peak. Now, you just keep spanking me. So for a moment, my cries sound pathetic because they’re over acted, now being my exasperated call for your response... so you slap my vulva a few times, and you tell me you know i’m being overdramatic, and if I continue, you will make sure I’m legitimately screaming like that at baseline ....
Id feel so safe, and so vulnerable all at once; As i feel my struggles shift from playful jolts and jumps, to a true effort to direct or avoid spanks to a certain area. Or find a way to get you to pause or hesitate even a little...

Amღr 29


I think I figured out why you didn’t receive any of your pictures and some of my letters. I read through the mail rules on the website the other day. It says you can’t possess more than 40 pictures at one time, and additional pictures are considered contraband. It said you couldn’t trade the pictures in your possession with ones being kept from you, so it seems you have to throw them away. If you write down the numbers of the ones you want reprinted after all is said and done, I will do that for you. It might be best to throw mine, because I can guarantee they’re replaceable. I could also get a bunch of pictures printed onto one bigger page. Do you know if there are mail size restruictions? It’s also strange they haven’t contacted you about this. It says in the rules that they would make you choose whether you want to cover the costs of returning them to sender, or having them destroyed. That almost makes me unsure of whether it would even behoove you to throw the ones you have away? But if you did, then you would, for all intents and purposes, no longer be in possession of them..? I wonder why they have that rule. Its really fucked up. I feel like it might seem less cruel and unusual if I understood the reasoning?. Are they afraid of you skadooing? (Blue’s Clues). 

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Boot

I think it subdues me in a way that isn’t healthy; To internalize the fact that the difference I have made, and the meaning I ascribe in the world through life is pillared in my presence/location: My availability, and desire to take care of my family members. There are even so many ways I fall short in that aspect; But it truly is the biggest difference I have made. Little of it is rooted in my arts, or my accomplishments. It’s not that I want to stop here. It’s not of pride or shame. I feel like I have made such a profound difference in my life here; I’m not sure if anything else I do will ever measure up. When I word it out; It becomes more apparent to me that this doesn’t matter. Holds no baring on possibility.
I was supposed to get together with my producer last night, but he stood me up instead. I was so looking forward to seeing him that I went out and bought a bottle of Rose Regale; My favorite drink. A sparkling red. He gets off work anywhere between midnight and last call; And an hour to get home; So I didn’t really feel the cue to stop waiting up for him until 3.
There is this stupid thing I do whenever I am getting ready to visit either of my producers; I listen and evaluate my song(s) of topic, to determine whether I really want to share this with them yet. No music automatically comes on after this. Sometimes I listen to my song repeatedly. I don’t find this to be effective analysis though, because after hearing it too many times, my imagination glosses over all the flaws, with the bias of knowing my overall intent. So I tell myself not to play it more than once, and in silence I suppress the urge and craving to play it again, imagining their opinion/reaction.
It has been hard for me to determine when to share stuff with them. In drafting and preliminary stages, I am totally open to implementing feedback, trying out suggested changes. The more complete I feel the piece is; I am less open to changing it. So anyways, I ended up sitting on the edge of my seat, holding my breath a little, in complete silence anticipating his call for 3 hours before I even noticed how wound up I was making myself.
My plan to be away from home, was contingent upon this outing. I tried to accomplish the effect of being away, by lurking in the dark, listening to music on my earbuds, not reacting so instantly to every bang and crash she makes.- because the second she sees my face, she asks for a pill. I have to be very careful of how I oblige or deny her with this. Phrasing and intonation is everything. I have to say it like I’m not the one in charge, and my hands are tied somehow. The best. most solid reason is being away from home. Hard to challenge that., I don’t want to blame my friend for the escape part. I could have gone to my grandma or uncle’s down the street. I just didn’t want to deal with my compulsive need to bring too much stuff. I already did all of that getting too much together to see my friend, but almost none of it would be the same stuff I want bring elsewhere.
I was so heartbroken. I’ve been stood up like 7 times in February, It makes me feel very low self esteem. I must not got it like that. This friend has good mojo like a mofo though so right when I started to cry over this, my headache went completely away for hours. I got a few new selfies, which is kind of a big deal to me because I only took like 6 pictures of myself last year, and I don’t want to miss my youthl photo ops. My video diaries are so endearing, and there aren’t enough of them. My only option to get more is to make them now and near. I don’t want the gaps of time to be too obvious.
It was also nice to finally feel upset about something light and trivial for a change. I ended up rushing to see him at noon while he had a speck of time left to spare till 1:30 . I’m pretty sure he kicked me out of his inner circle, told me that he doesn’t have any time in his life for me, and isn’t interested in being my producer anymore. I hope I’m taking this harder than he actually meant. There were a couple of little hints that I am taking it harder than he means it. One was, when I told him how i reached out so many times to Destiny, i must to shut up now, because a surplus of words from me will depreciate the value of each message to her at this point. He told me he didn’t think I should shut up. Also, he had me stay there until the very minute he had to leave. I started to say goodbye a bit prior, and he said stay two more minutes.
He didn’t specifically tell he didn’t want to be my producer. anymore. He said I should finish my songs and not wait or care for his opinions. He could have been telling me that he’s down to produce anything I’m happy with. I wanted to always try his suggestions. He impresses me so much, and I would learn a lot. We have been friends for about 13 years. So, this would extend slightly beyond trivial if he really did just kick me out of his life. Still a lot lighter of an issue to be upset about than all the cancer stuff..
My neighbor died on Friday. I saw the fire engine and ambulance take him away 15 days ago. I’ve known him since I was 5 years old. He was socially distant so it didn’t feel intense like losing a family member, even though I saw him more often than I used to see my uncle who died in December. My neighbor was elderly though, like in his 80’s, so losing him is less tragic, and more expectable than losing my uncle at 64 on the operation table.

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