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Probable Deniability

My mom's ovarian cancer is back for the 3rd time. This means her remission was only 3 months long, making her platinum resistant. There is a tumor that is 7.7mm on her bladder, and a dark area in her pelvis. She decided not to jump right into chemo, because a 1cm tumor is required for her to be eligible to participate in trials. Trials are a whole other level of hope and fear. I've noticed they administer excessive amounts of drugs in trials. She also has adhesions and a couple hernias from surgery. Her biggest complaint is pain from bloating, which is visible from the outside in strange shapes at different areas.
The doctors said that chemo would only be to make her comfortable now. Not to save her life or cure the cancer. I am glad they're being careful not to nuke her with chemicals, but at the same time, I feel like they've given up on her.
Ugh just typing this entry is so exhausting. I am far from finished, but I will have to take a breath and come back to it.
Studying chemoCollapse )

Self Help is the Best Help

Self; If you insist on being always so damn stubborn, at least listen to yourself.
I don't know if there is one point specifically when it happen, but I lost a lot of self control. I became very aware of it at the beginning of last year, and made a lot of progress with it as far as not letting myself get mindlessly violent with strong willed obsessiveness. I've been able to catch myself, and reel it in before it hits the danger zone, which is awesome. I still lack the precision and directive that i appear to have had when i look upon it in the past. I don't know if I was even aware I had it then though, which makes me wonder if I still have it now? Obviously suppressed on some level. I think it came from being lost and lethargic for so long that I legitimately mistook the obsession for a sense of drive.- and not immediately aware of this. Now that I am aware, I try to harness my obsession and aim it at what is truly meaningful to me. Since i'm a scatterbrain, I also check in with myself to see if I'm still doing what I meant to do. Good for you if you don't need to babysit yourself like I do, but good for me for not needing to outsource it :)

I was thinking really hard about how self help is so effective because I can't hide from my core. I was marinating on the word, "core". The whole concept of it, and I heard Stevie Wonder say it, and I tuned into the song

They say that heaven is 10 zillion light years awayCollapse )

My heart is a private road

We walked into this with the awareness that he didn't understand me very well before.
He's emotionally dense; I'm emotionally intense.
I think it just timed out.

I also thought it was a fair compromise to honor his difficulty with the date of February 14th, being his ex-anniversary; but be my valentine on the 16th; Which happens to be my dog's birthday, whose name is Amore, and I said something like, "I love that I named my dog Amore, because now I get to have you on the day love was born!". He said this was intense. I completely see his point. I didn't really intend for it to be as intense as it seems. I wanted it to come off like I was being a better sport about him refusing to participate in valentines day. I do have sensitivity about valentines day, and the desire for acceptance, or approval over it, but I have a sense that his issue with it runs far deeper than mine does.
I think its funny that he says he still wants to be my friend after going about this situation in the most inconsiderate possible way. We were supposed to have dinner and a movie tonight, and he waited to reply to my hello at 3 this afternoon until 8 tonight, instead of giving me the common decency of dumping me earlier, and not standing me up. It was deliberately cruel. I wonder if he was really deliberating on whether or not to dump me that whole time, or if he knew for awhile, and decided to stand me up.

He is absolutely right that we're not a match, but I come to the same conclusion for different reasons. Like, he always expects to be able to tell the truth to me, but is constantly adverse to hearing my honesty. -
Maybe thats not completely fair of me to say, because; Several times i confided some of my personal struggles to him.- Not thinking of a relationship for what it really is: An interview process for marriage, whereby, each person adopts the burdens and struggles of the other, as their own. If I were to view things through this scope, instead of just being genuine in the moment, I would be sure to always minimize the prospect of my burden. Having a lot on my plate makes me a lot to have on his plate, and I just didn't think of it like that when I told him heavy things. I never meant to throw the weight on him.
I'm glad to know sooner rather than later that the bond was too weak to withstand conflict. I didn't peg him for a person like that. It's like his operating system malfunctioned.
The root of the valentines day issue was with his *first* ex; because their anniversary fell on valentines day, and bitter (or maybe too sweet?) memories make him refuse to participate in the holiday.
I know he was saying he wasn't ready to confront this within himself, but I made the choice to start a little shit about it; More often, when people are invited to set down their burdens, they feel permitted to. You know I read and reread the vday fight transcript. I wasn’t harsh at all. I said that i deserved to be treated special on valentines day, and it hurt my heart that he refused to, and sad that he chooses to be imprisoned by memories on this day each year, instead of layering new amazing memories over of old ones until pages are thick atop them.

Maybe he doesn't even realize it himself, but the fact that we spent 17 days apart makes me believe the rift began much earlier than the vday shit. When he got back from his vacation, I asked him, "when can I see you?", along with another random message, twice; and both times he replied to the random message, leaving my question unanswered. Maybe he realized before I did, that he would never be able to live up to my fantasy of him; That it was doomed the moment i fantasized of things I've never experienced.
I feel like a mega-idiot, because in the beginning, I felt apprehensive of him. It was actually in that 17 day period of not seeing him that i convinced myself to trust him. Stupid for 2 reasons- My skepticism helped cause the rift, and I chose to ditch it at the wrong time. Initially i knew it was a horrible idea to share a notebook with him, not enough time in, I'm letting him choose from my empty books and I'm in. Stupid for forcing my own guard down. Also, throughout those 17 days, I accumulated all these random little thoughts I wanted to share with him when i next saw him, which are now completely irrelevant. I'm also bothered by the fact that I realize that the version of myself represented via text is perceived much more intensely than the full version. I believe this is also true of him, and I wonder if the bulk of the issue began and ended in SMS conjecture

indentured enjoyment

She doesn't listen to me. She acts like its a chore to hear my words, and I almost understand her; When I think of how I am her child, and she has had the chore of dealing with me since I came to existence, since I was the 4 year old, full of senseless chatter with no, 'off', switch. She likes to talk over me instead. I used to get so mad over being interrupted. I don't mind it anymore. It gives me the privilege of knowing what that person has to say, since I already knew what I was going to say.
-I interrupt a lot too.
It just bothers be because I cut back so much on talking to her, feeling like I can't really afford to make her sick of listening since she starts out that way. I want her to enjoy my company.- To not only love me, but like me. Maybe that's asking too much
Maybe my problem is that I've had it too easy all along. Always clear, beautiful skin, with maybe one or two zits every blue moon. Some time in the middle of December, my forehead, next to my hairline, mysteriously decided to become fucking asphalt. I think it's a facial Keratosis Pilaris eruption. I haven't seen a dermatologist, wish I could. I feel so seriously hideous and doomed. I was finally not being obsessive over my skin. I'm trying to take care of this without being obsessive. It's hard because it feels like nothing is helping at all, and it makes me worry that this will be my face now, forever. Fucking asphalt.

Edit: I believe I've figured out what caused the eruption!I found a meridian map of the face which states that acne on the forehead may be related to the digestive system. This jogged my memory, of the one thing I added to my life right when this all began: L-Glutamine! A lot of people said they had forehead acne outbursts when they took this amino acid. Those that said this, also said they usually have clear skin, like me. Other people said they actually began taking l-glutamine to treat acne issues. I believe it. This sounds like my whole spironolactone escapade. I took that medication to help with acne, (which i didn't really even have. It was KP), and it caused me to gain 25 pounds in one week. Other people take the same medication specifically to lose weight. Women who took it for acne, and didn't have weight issues, like me, also said that it made them gain 20-30 pounds. It has been a year since i've taken this medication, and I have not been able to shed the weight. Other women share these same woes. Luckily, those who reported getting acne from l-glutamine also reported the acne clearing up very quickly when they discontinued using the amino acid. Hah. I have been pretty faithful to my regime of taking it, which did not give my skin a chance to clear up. I haven't taken any since Thursday. I strongly hope and pray that my forehead will be back to normal a lot sooner than I previously anticipated. Last week, I decided to cut some bangs to cover it up, because it makes me feel so hideous, and I said to myself that I would be patient, and allow the time it will take these bangs grow back, for it to clear up; Worried it may never (It's rather severe, I counted 50 huge pustules or cysts, and didn't even try to count the constellations of tiny bumps surrounding them). Thinking it could be a myriad of serious problems, and reading other people's dooming stories of sudden onset acne that came along one day, and stayed for YEARS. This is still a frightful possibility for me, but I am almost certain it was from the glutamine, so unless my system just sucks fucking ass compared to everybody else who shared about this, I can anticipate similar results.

Recalibrate

Somewhere deep in there, is a really awesome, quirky person. I swear. There is so much evidence to prove it! I just don't find that same person now. I miss her so much. sme is so much better than i am. My only advantage is that i was her. I didn't think much of myself then either, and i am not much different. I just over skiid
And everything that used to matter in life became meaningless; What captivates my heart continues to grow. There is no certainty to cling to, anywhere, and I'm absolutely terrified most of the time. I know that I don't know what to do, and I don't know what to do!
For some reason, it's okay with me that I don't know what I want. I struggle with the fact that I don't have what I used to want. I know that I don't need it, but I need something. I just want to be near my family, and I see that this world isn't my world. My familiy is. \

Love myself before its made illegal

"You are so insecure, and I just can't figure out why!",

it's a love-hate relationship I have. I'm so brilliant, that it's reprehensible how little of my potential I'm capitalizing. I could and should be so much more, because of what a wonder I am. You see?

"You seem to be a nervous person anyway, so, what's the difference?"
Wait a second, did he just give me the key to free myself?
Since my nerves are unavoidable, why try to avoid them? If I let them overtake me, they will; You cannot be chased by what you choose to face.
Unless you run backwards.

I talked way too much. It was exhilarating! I think they actually liked me! I have been such a hermit for the past few years. I have a hard time finding a happy medium with many things. I really have become more of a listener since my mom was first diagnosed with cancer, because there is no formidable response a person can give to anything I have to say. The weight of the words don't roll off the tongue with them; i.e, no reason to speak them. It has been long enough that I stayed a safe distance away from those heavy topics. Somehow I permitted myself to take a break from my life. The magic of Halloween, most likely.

He said I knew when I was leading them down a rabbit hole in conversation. Witnessing the way I live my life, I'm not actually sure of that. I don't know whether topics are related in some way to me, and not made clear to others by me; Or, if I automatically switch gears when I'm too close my emotion. So, then the question begs me; What is really the tangent? Do tangents reveal more than I intend to hide?

It doesn't bother me that he is married; because it keeps us a safe distance apart while I enjoy his company. Especially if his wife is fine with him making friends. I lost so many of my guy friends to marriage. Their wives hate me, and made them stop talking to me. It's really silly though because I was just the homie. Oh well- This isn't even about them, so I shouldn't make it be. I just had a great time at a party that was a total couple fest. I had such a great time, I just hope that I don't accidentally make them hate me by smiling the wrong way, or some shit like usual.

Delusion progression to Excoriation

I've been noticing that i dont realize when I’m committing self sabotage. I don’t have a ritual, tool, or tradition like with cutting. It manifests in different ways that I catch in retrospect. I respect the way Scheester was a lot more truthful with herself (and i)) about her self injuring behaviors, and though I did modify my behavior with good faith, I deluded myself into believing I was instantly cured; and that delusion was so deep-seated that I now struggle to discern what, “truth”, is real. I wonder how manipulative I have subconsciously been of myself. 6/2010 was my final incision. 1/2011 new years resolution to stop shaving my chin, for more feminine hair removal options, which turned out to be the gateway and beginning of my excoriations 😖By March, I was spending several hours in the mirror , obsessively tweezing hairs- not injuriously, but disorderly. One morning I woke up on time to get to my 9AM class, which i skipped, and all the others up to my 6PM class. ENTIRELY spent tweezing/trying to tweeze; I am stunningly bad at tweezing (with my right hand), which began to piss me off so badly, I wanted to stop being a failure, (self talk) “i spent 5 fucking hours trying to remove 1 hair, and have not”.. I would forget for less than a second, that a battle opposing oneself cannot be wisely waged, or won; Tearing a chunk of flesh from my own face, usually, *still* failing to remove a single hair.

My left hand is impressively steady, and precise with any minute task, but my right hand is a stubborn control freak which refuses to consign any of facial grooming to the better qualified candidate;- A matter in and of itself being worked on.

This is a snapshot of the beginning. I can proudly say I often stop myself before carrying out the act. I am so sick of the shame and regret I face in the mirror after I return from vicious erratic-irrationality. I look upon the wounds I, myself, have caused, and wonder who I am, to have done this. In my right mind, I cannot identify the reason. A hair is far more beautiful than a missing chunk of flesh. Choose the hair, I beg of you, self. I beseech thyself to be gentle and kind to myself

Dance

So whenever I imagine someone seeing me, who I haven't talked to in awhile; Whose opinion I care about, its always the same scenario. Me dancing really funky, and not noticing them. This means I need to dance more.

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