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days...

my days have gotten so complicated. I don't know where else to vent. this is behind a cut so that i don't bother you, and, i don't expect comments, because i never comment. I don't know what advice to give you if i don't even know what to do for myself.

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When i was realli depressed, I had just been released from a mental hospital for a suicide attempt, my friend asked me to shoplift. I didn't know what else to do. my mom was acting like she hated me, and i needed some chapstick. so I decided to go for it. who would have known that it would have been so addictive? I decided to come closer to God and apologize for these horrendous acts, and stop shoplifting. I felt terrible.


before i came clean...
In november 1st 03, brandon went to jail (i'm in love with him, my best friend) he stayed there until the 21st. it really hurt. My mom would let him call sometimes, and he would cry into the phone. i think it's the first time i ever heared a grown man cry. Actually that's not true. in september his brother committed suicide...

I get an inkling feeling that none of this would have happen if i had never shoplifted.

on december 11th he had a court date and they through him back in jail. We had no money that year, and i stole all my christmas presents for my family and friends it kept being so that he was "supposed to get out" but didn't. he got out on febuary 6th. and went back because they didn't erase his record on febuart 27th. he got out 11 days later. I didn't steal anything for awhile. Once i asked him to take this hair gel for me. we both had money but it was 20 dollars for like 4 ounces. he didn't do it, he bought it for me. but he went to jail that weekend. i stopped keeping date. I thought it was because i thought about stealing. i let a friend steal, i didn't really know about it till we were out of the store, but i still think that's why he went to jail.

another day, he had no money, and asked me to steal something for him. I didn't want to. but i ended up doing it. He went to jail over the weekend.

last weekend i stole a deck of cards. He went to jail yesterday. He went missing for hours, and finally we got a call from the jail. it hurt so much, but i was so glad he wasn't dead.

WHY CANT I STOP TAKING THINGS?? its like an impulse.

IT MAKES MY FRIEND GO TO JAIL! IT MAKES TERRIBLE THINGS HAPPEN!! i know that's true to an extent, it does make terrible things happen. but why, why why why why why, WHY DOES HE NEED TO GO TO JAIL! HE DIDNT EVEN DO ANYTHING ITS ALL MY FAULT!!!

today i woke up, i put two rings on, two bracelets on, and a necklace with two charms on it. i thought about cutting myself, but i was afraid he would stay in jail longer if i cut myself. I went to school. I bumped both sides of the door. I stopped kissing the doors but i carried my heart today. I made it more esoteric, so i only let it out when nessesary. i think that maybe if i start kissing doors again though, people will stop being mean to me at school. i got hit in the head today and i didn't even do anything to deserve it. I feel uncomfortable at places, like i was jump roping, and i was afraid that people were looking at my fat bouncing. i dont really even have fat like that, now that i look back on it. i'm afraid i look like an idiot, like my chin looks like a rooster, that depending on the things i do, not only myself, but OTHER PEOPLE will be harmed. I think that if people listen into my conversations, it will start applying to them, so if i say for example "i need a tampon" and a girl hears me, she will then too need a tampon. WHY AM I SO LOOPY? i dont know i'm going crazy today..

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
bleckbleck2u
Nov. 30th, 2004 06:18 pm (UTC)
Sweetie, don't blame yourself for him going to jail. Unless he's getting into trouble because they accuse him of stealing things u stole, then it has nothing to do with you're shoplifting.
You're not crazy, it's the OCD it sounds like. With OCD thinking that bad things will happen if you don't do something else or that bad things will happen if u do do something (Like him staying in jail longer if u steal).
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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