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So, venitta came back into our lives. mine and brandon's she appeared out the butcrack of the earth. none the less, she is here. and i am left out in the dust. venitta spit on the floor twice. makes sense? me niether. yeah here is how i feel about it


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How I feel…
Yeah, I know I’m acting like a bitch, that’s not the point of this letter, I am not here to apologize. I already tried that. I’m here to let you know how I feel straight up, you decided to open this letter, so don’t get mad at me for letting you know how I feel like you usually do. You talk about thinking about how other people feel before you think about yourself, well obviously your vision is clouded at this moment in your life. Because I know if you thought about me like you say you really do, you wouldn’t make me terrified to come to you, my supposed best friend, and tell you what’s up with me. Now that venitta just walked back in to your life, it seems to me like she crawled through a crack in the concrete, just randomly, just blam. And everything I stand for, everything I mean to you is just out the window. Telling me its such a big deal that you can’t open up to me, constantly making me feel like shit because I’m not venitta. You can’t walk with me, you can’t do anything with me that you did with her because I’m not fucking good enough. Every time you talked about missing her, terror would arise in my heart, because it came to myself, questioning my position in our friendship, knowing I could never replace her, GOD you mean EVERYTHING to me, can’t you see that? I know I’m not going to be the perfect person, and I’ll piss you off sometimes, but I feel that her and Eddie or Mario are the people that you think about when you are with me, they are the ones you miss, not me. I’m sorry for feeling that way, because I also feel like this is going to make you mad, for that I’m sorry, but I don’t know how long I’m going to keep this bottled in like this. I don’t know how long I can live like this, it feels like an utter lie. I tried so hard to be everything, and I didn’t try enough, I can’t be, It’s humanly impossible for me, she can be the best friend, I can’t do it, I’m not the type of person you are looking for. I think it’s a piece of shit that you can’t fight for me like I fight for you. Well you know what? I’m ready to lose you then, if you can’t fight for me this time, if you can’t approach me without making me feel like the krap at the bottom of your shoe, I don’t want you in my life anymore, because I love you. I love you more than anything I have ever felt before. This love overcomes every emotion that I’ve ever had before, and I don’t know what to do at times. Sometimes I mistake it for happiness, but this kind of happiness only comes when I think of you. Sometimes I mistake it for apathy, for lethargy, for utter and complete loss, but the loss only comes when I don’t have you in my life. People tell me that if I’m in love with you, I have to push you out of my life, because there is no other way to fall out. Personally, I don’t believe that, I’m also not ready to do that. I want you to make the decision this time. I am finally ready to live with it for the rest of my life. All the times you told me you might not want to be my friend anymore, the world of hurt that you put me in, the state you put me in to fight for everything I ever loved. I’m ready to put myself on the line and say, hey, do you love me? Do you need me in your life? Because if the real answer is no, goodbye. Goodbye Brandon it’s torture, if you don’t need me at least half as much as I need you, it hurts too much to look at you. This takes all the strength I have right now, because I turned into you, and I’ve been harboring this shit for awhile now. It hurts so much to look at you and think about how far you’ve drifted away from me. How I can’t talk to you, and you can’t talk to me. How even though I am in love, I still feel like I need the aid of a scalpel to help me live my life, and how that makes you mad, even though you had no place in starting it, you’ll have no place in ending it. At least not the way you’ve gone about it. I feel that it was just a bluff when you said that you wouldn’t be my friend anymore if I cut too deep. But that’s fucked up, I know it hurts you, it hurts me too, it hurts me to know that I have no regard for anyone’s emotions because it’s an addiction, and I know that if you defriended me over that matter, that you really wouldn’t be worth a whole lot. I know that last time I tried to tell you how I feel in a letter, you called it a guilt trip, and threw it back in my face and said that even though all of the things you were doing stabbed me in the gut like a knife, you weren’t gonna stop. I remember now, the feeling of you and her leaving without me, and knowing that If I did something wrong, she would hear about it before I even acknowledged it. I remember the anger that comes over me when you’re with her, you have a job. You never keep a job when she’s in your life. I’m really afraid Brandon. REALLY AFRAID. I remember how you treat me when you’re with her. A lot different. I don’t mean to be mean to her if that’s what I am, sometimes I am joking, and I’ve learned when she’s joking as well. I don’t think I have anything else to say as of this moment, but remember everything in this letter before approaching me please
-something

Comments

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
saragoescrazy
Nov. 12th, 2004 07:48 pm (UTC)
glad that its back in your lives and everything... my brain is so dead right now :-( take care hun and I hope you have a goodnight *hugs*
narnar
Nov. 12th, 2004 08:00 pm (UTC)
Proudness!
so_grood
Nov. 13th, 2004 05:25 pm (UTC)
That is a really good letter and I hope that nothing but the best comes out of it. I hope he sees how much you mean to him..
retro_modernist
Nov. 14th, 2004 12:41 am (UTC)
...who is Venitta? I'm confused.

I'm glad you found the courage to tell Brandon your feelings :)
bleckbleck2u
Nov. 15th, 2004 09:05 pm (UTC)
who is venitta? i'm confused too
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )

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