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ugh

A person of my age needs to have one skill they dominate at. While I've been switching gears into music, I've been trying to get used to the feeling of being a beginner. Of having people ten years younger than me, be more advanced in this thing than I am. I think that during this time, it's important for me to keep writing, and blogging. Obviously, because I need to write my songs, but also just to keep myself aware that I'm good at something. I know I can sing, but I'm learning stuff about recording and editing. I've already known that when one tries to write their own song, there is no path tracked out, and it's a little bit more difficult to find the notes out. I didn't realize a whole bunch of my lines came out off key. I beat myself up over that maybe a little too much. I just need to get past it and redo it. I don't want to edit it so much that it doesn't sound like my voice anymore.
And so.. it turns out I was all worried about this kid's opinion of me, and I decided that he didn't think I was serious enough about music just because he hadn't replied to a song I sent him... Snooping on his FaceBook, I see that he has a girlfriend; and that's why. He probably saw my request to selfie trade as flirting. So pretty much it really did have nothing to do with me. Only this time, my song I sent him sucked even though it was a more serious attempt, and he offered to make an instrumental for me behind it. Too good to be true, right? Yep. I mean, it was a beyond generous offer. It was more work than I would willingly ask someone to take on. I just accepted the offer, blind with excitement. I guess it still wasn't fair of me to put him in that predicament. I wouldn't actually want to distract him from making his own magic- and it is magic. He's fucking good. I'm embarrassed. I'm mad at myself for not hearing it. I think I attempted to do the sweet sour key thing, but then accidentally got stuck in the sour key. I'd like to believe that over what he suggested- that my vibrato takes me off key. I mean, maybe that did happen in this song, but, I hope thats not what always happens. I thought could sing better than this.
He wasn't even really that mean to me, but what he said really bothered me. He said he wasn't able to complete the instrumental because my song was outside of his genre, which I knew already. I told him I wouldn't mind him switching it to his genre, and he said it wouldn't make a good song. It just completely defeated me. Then, when I asked one of my best friends, and a producer, if he was still willing to help me, I found out that he's willing to help, but didn't realize he was a part of my project yet. Honestly, he inspired me to do the project, and I wouldn't have ever bitten off this big if I didn't think I had him on this.
In my early 20's, I was actually pretty proficient at making instrumentals on a certain app. I've been trying to get myself back into that groove, and it has been so difficult. I want to say, even more difficult than it was starting off. I feel like this has more to do with my self esteem, and perceived skill, than actual capabilities.
My heart kind of aches even though I've gotten such good news about my mom. Right now, there is still cancer, so it isn't technically a remission, but it is too small to see on a scan, or target for radiation treatment. Also, if it does grow, she is a candidate, and willing to do a radiation trial. It's not as trial-ish as the other trial, because what they're doing is still standard of care. I really hope that if it does have to grow, it stays one tumor, and does not metastasize again . This time around, it has stayed put, so my hope is still plausible.

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